


The Weather Outside Is Frightful

by Topographical_Map_Of_Utah



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Bakery, Angst, Another Fic In New York, Bi Finn, Bottom Finn, Chubby Poe Dameron, Corgi BB-8, Dancing, Eventual Smut, Fluff, Homophobic Slurs, Hurt/Comfort, It's a Trope Fest, M/M, Modern AU, PTSD, Sick Fic, Slow Burn, Snowed In, Stormpilot, These two are vanilla AF, Why Do I Keep Doing That, Winter, bed sharing, holiday fic, just a little bit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-02
Updated: 2016-12-23
Packaged: 2018-09-06 02:22:50
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 11
Words: 29,326
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8731048
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Topographical_Map_Of_Utah/pseuds/Topographical_Map_Of_Utah
Summary: And Finn did not prepare himself for it.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [beautifullights](https://archiveofourown.org/users/beautifullights/gifts).



The snow came down in earnest as Finn trudged up 34th street, praying he’d find a bakery sometime soon. He'd gotten it in his head that he wanted a muffin or something, take a break from the moving boxes still sitting in his bedroom. You’d think two months would be enough time for anyone to unpack. Or to figure out that nothing would be open at two in the morning. The snow had been a surprise, as well. His hoodie may as well be made of paper. Shivering, Finn stuck his icy hands into his pockets and tried to stop his knees from knocking.

Growing up in California really hadn't prepared him for a New York winter. The thickest thing Finn owned was a windbreaker, and he had only bought it because it was galaxy print. After getting out of Cali he had never stuck around in one place long enough to experience an actual winter, always packing up and shipping out before the year was out. Things were going to be different here, though. Well, he hoped they would be. Two weeks into November and Finn was already reconsidering.

If you asked Finn why he’d settled up here he wouldn’t have been able to tell you. No great love of theatre, no shrewd Wall Street aspirations. Nope, all Finn wanted was a nice, quiet little existence in a nice, quiet little flat. Well, as quiet as being a paramedic could be. Things tend to get pretty crazy in that job. And so far as flats go, Rey was great, don’t get him wrong. Complaining about having your best friend as a roommate was a bit of a dick move. But something about knowing she was building a jetpack in the other room kept him on edge. Finn’s nice, quiet and little dreams were a little bit far-fetched, now that he thought about it.

Luckily, before he had a full-on existential crisis thinking about that he stumbled across something promising. A little hole-in-the-wall frequented by struggling artists and hipsters. Finn’s kind of place. And it was open to boot. He brushed some snow off of the pinecone wreath hanging on the door and pushed his way inside, still not quite believing his luck.

It took Finn a second to process when he stepped into the shop. Talk about your sensory overload. It smelled incredible in here. Cinnamon, chocolate, custard, a dietitian's nightmare and a preschooler's daydream. The place was all lit up with fairy lights, making the polished floor glow and mismatched wooden chairs gleam. Music was playing from somewhere, and if Finn listened hard he could pick out the sound of someone whistling along in the back. A corgi in a bright blue vest cocked her head, sizing him up before trotting back over to her little dog bed by the counter. Could it get any cozier?

While Finn was admiring the display of candy apples decorated to look like reindeer the door that must lead into the kitchen swung open with a soft click. He looked up and opened his mouth, but he shut it just as quickly. He had expected a smiling granny or some pimply teenager, so the guy he was confronted with, well, he was a bit of a curveball.

"Sorry 'bout that. Couldn't hear the door with the storm."

Thick black curls, scars on his stubbly cheek, hideous orange sweater that somehow looked good on him. Add that to the smile crinkling up his face and Finn was officially overwhelmed.

"What can I do you for?"

"Uh..."

Hold on, what could he do Finn for? That sounded like something a prostitute would ask. This was a bakery, right? Before Finn could help it his mind turned out a figure (about ten dollars), then he realised they were talking about pastries. Well, that made a lot more sense.

"What's..." The guy arched an eyebrow and grinned while Finn fumbled for words. "What's good?"

"Depends on what you like, I guess. Cupcakes sound good? We've got red velvet, peanut butter, pumpkin spice because that's easy money..."

"What're the pink ones?" Finn blurted out. He couldn't help it. The things were frosted with glitter icing, for crying out loud. How d'you say no to that?

"Strawberry? Yeah, I guess they're pretty good. Explains my gut pretty well." the guy laughed. Finn nearly dropped his wallet, and it wasn’t because of cold fingers. For fuck's sake. he couldn't catch a break, could he? "So, strawberry? Gimme a yay or nay here, buddy. You're not allergic to strawberries, are you?"

"Nope." If Finn so much as licked a strawberry he'd break out in hives and his throat would close up, but that wasn't important right now.

"Love strawberries. They're great. They don't really look like berries, though."

"Huh?" The guy's forehead crinkled up as he perused the tray of cupcakes. Finn couldn't help but notice that he seemed to be looking for the one with the most strawberry bits on top. Sweet gesture, but unfortunately one that would send Finn into anaphylactic shock.

"Well, I mean..."

What did Finn mean again? "I mean, blueberries and cranberries are round, and raspberries and blackberries are just a bunch of little rounds - spheres, I mean spheres - clumped together. And then strawberries are just, y'know, triangular? Like, from a visual standpoint cherries look more berry-ish. But they're..." Finn blanked out for a second. Somehow he had managed to lose his own train of thought.

"What are cherries, anyways?"

"Shit, I'm a baker and I don't even know." He boxed up Finn's cupcake and handed it over with a grin before retreating back into the kitchen. "Come back when you figure out what a cherry is, alright? Now I'm curious."

"Yeah. Will do. Sounds good."

Finn made it halfway out the door, then he rushed back to drop a handful of change into the tip jar he had just spotted on the counter. There was a paper poppy wrapped around the rim and a sticky note with _For The Vets_ scribbled on it. Now Finn couldn't leave that alone in good conscience. Unfortunately, before Finn could make his escape the kitchen door squeaked open again. This really wasn't his night, was it?

"Hey, I don't think I caught your name. I'm Poe. Poe Dameron."

"Finn." There was a smudge of purple icing on Poe's cheek that Finn hadn't noticed earlier. He found himself sorely tempted to reach out and rub it off. Good thing there was a counter between them. "Austen. Finn Austen. The nun who named me liked Pride and Prejudice." Finn provided. People were always asking him about it, and giving an explanation had sort of become reflex.

"Then I'll be seeing you, Finn Austen," Poe gave Finn another one of those crinkly smiles and Finn bit his tongue.

Now that was really the last straw.

"Yeah. Yup. Definitely. Happy Christmas," Finn blurted out as he ran off, shame burning in his cheeks.

Who the hell wished people happy Christmas? Something about that just seemed wrong. In early November, no less. At a crosswalk he took stock of himself, but it was looking pretty dismal, honestly. Now he had a cupcake he couldn't eat and a crush he couldn't shake. Yeah, that was a happy Christmas if he had ever seen one.


	2. Chapter 2

"Finn?" Rey poked her head into Finn's mess of a room and bit back a laugh, seeing what her roomie was up to. It wasn't every day you see a grown-ass man curled up in bed with his head under a pillow and a sparkly cupcake on the cardboard box he called a bedside table. IKEA had proven to be a bit beyond him. She hesitated in the doorway, weighing her options. On one hand there was her responsibility as his best friend to find out what had made him so blue. On the other hand: food. As the conundrum ticked through her head Finn peeked out from under his pillow and peered at her, his face downright glowing.

"Do you want that? It has strawberries in it."

"Now who convinced you to buy something you knew you couldn't eat?" Rey asked. Finn just mumbled something indistinct and squirmed. A knowing smile spread across Rey's face as she watched him fidget. The guy had fallen in love. Only a little bit, maybe, but the damage was done. "Shoulda known. She pretty?"

"She's a he, first off..."

“Well wouldn’t you know? See, that's God saying, 'Good job coming to terms with your sexuality, kid. Here you go, have an angel on the house.' Seems like some pretty great timing, I gotta say."

"No. Awful timing. I'm nowhere near ready for this." Finn groaned into his pillow. "No grace period or anything. Just, boom, hope you're ready to be even more confused. I'm at a loss, here. Tell me what to do."

"Let the bi flow through you?" Rey ducked the pillow Finn chuckled at her head, only to get smacked in the nose with another one. The boy had a lot of throw pillows, come to think of it. He liked to be cosy. "Sorry, but you're barking up the wrong tree, Finn. I dunno how any of this works, alright? I have the romantic drive of a bell pepper."

"I need more friends. You're no help. And I was so proud of myself for figuring this shit out, too." Finn rolled over and sighed, staring out the window, watching traffic crawl by at a snail’s pace. Driving the ambulance through that gridlock was always fun. "Y'know, the closet wasn't that bad, looking back on it."

"Finn..."

"I'm serious. There's no chance of incredibly attractive bakers coming along and ruining my day in there." 

"Maybe, but when's repressing anything helped anyone?" Rey soothed. Once she pushed aside a stack of comic books and graphic tees she sat down beside Finn with her cupcake. She took a bite and straight up laughed. "Oh, wow, this's good. Whoever it is, get with 'em for the sake of this shit. He could be your actual sugar daddy."

"I'm gonna murder you." Finn murmured. Looked absolutely miserable, poor guy. Feeling somewhat responsible Rey pulled him into her lap and scooped up a comic, alright with him using her as a pillow while she read. She had been hoping for superheroes, but it was one of those graphic novels with deep messages and a pastel colour scheme. Rey wanted explosions, goddammit. “Put you in a duffel bag and drop you in the Hudson, gangster-style.”

“I’m terrified.”

“Should be.”

Finn sighed and closed his eyes, listening to Rey whistle what sounded like a movie soundtrack. Reasoning away a crush couldn't be that hard, could it? He had done it before. All Finn had to do was forget Poe's warm eyes and cute dog and that damned smile. When all that only made his cheeks heat up he rolled off of Rey and growled into his pillow.

"Fuck."

"Let it happen, Finn." Rey advised as she walked out the door, shutting it in case the guy needed privacy to work things out. A couple minutes later she heard another pillow hit the wall and a short, frustrated yell. Yeah, Finn would do well with this whole romance thing.

\----------------

The next few weeks Finn found his feet constantly taking him back to that damn bakery. It was almost like he didn't have a say in it. He'd tell himself was just going for a run around the park, but he always wound up on the same street corner, peeking into the frosted up window like some kind of stalker. Poe would be laughing with customers, chewing his pencil while he punched numbers, and one time Finn caught him singing along to a Whitney Houston song. Whatever he was doing, it made Finn's mouth go dry and his ears heat up. You could say he had a bit of a problem.

After torturing himself for far too long Finn finally worked up the courage to step into the lion’s den, and it only took a minor case of frostnip for him to do so. Turns out building a snowman with his bare hands had been a bad idea. Trying to put his own stupidity out of mind Finn stepped inside the bakery, curling in a bit on himself when Poe caught his eye and smiled. He was at the counter with this little old lady who was asking him about making a cake for her granddaughter's birthday, the details of which were very precise.

"A purple unicorn that had orange braids, that's what Amy wanted." she was saying. "With wings, you know, and a skateboard with lightning on it..."

"Will do, ma'am. So pickup's on Thursday, right?" With their conversation buzzing in the background Finn edged to a corner by the fireplace, hunkering down on a creaky bench. He realised too late that it was the dog's spot, so when she hopped up into his lap and plonked herself down he found himself in no position to get up. As the little old lady shuffled away Poe turned to Finn, another crinkly smile on his face. Here we go again.

"Look who decided to come back." he laughed. He noticed the dog and his forehead crinkled up. "Huh. Blue's usually better behaved than that. Don't go relaxing yet, little buddy. Your harness is still on." Blue snuck in one more lick to Finn's arm before hopping down and trotting over to her usual post. "Sorry about that. You want something?"

"Haven't got my wallet. It just got way too cold out there. Couldn’t even feel my..." Finn bit his lip and backtracked. “It was cold, is all I’m trying to say.”

"I can believe it. You sure you don’t want tea or something? Hot chocolate? I’ll get you hot chocolate." Poe decided before Finn could protest. “Don’t complain. That shirt earned you some free shit.”

“Oh…” Finn laughed and tugged nervously at his collar. Being the lazy fucker he was, Finn had just spent his day off in the oversized tee he wore to bed, a ridiculous thing that read, _Dear NASA, your mom thought I was big enough - Pluto_. Honestly, Finn had forgotten he was wearing it. That explained the weird stare that granny had given him at the library.

While Finn was debating whether or not he should zip up his sweater lightning flashed and a power line sparked outside. A couple bulbs flickered, then they all blinked out in one fell swoop, up and down the street, from the look of it. Finn blinked and a few other people jumped as the whole place dimmed, flickering eerily in the firelight. He heard Poe cuss under his breath and fumble behind the counter.

"Oh, well, that’s just swell. Hang tight everybody. Backup generator'll come on in a couple seconds."

“You have a backup generator?” Finn asked, hoping he was addressing Poe and not a houseplant.

“Can’t hurt to be prepared.” True to his word, a soft whir started up in the back room. The lights came back on and everyone let out a collective sigh of relief. "Sorry, folks. Looks like the storm's getting serious. Might wanna stay inside for now." Poe advised. A quiet murmur of approval hummed through the room. Nobody was about to complain about hunkering down in a snug place like this.

Poe leant back over the counter and grinned at Finn when the hum evened out again. "And now that I’ve got you cornered, you know what a cherry is, yet?"

“Oh. Right. Can’t believe you remembered. Stone fruit, apparently? Like, y'know, a peach? Which is weird because avocados are actually berries. So are potatoes. And..." Finn bit down on his lower lip and sighed. "I'm rambling again, aren't I?"

"Good catch." Poe laughed. "Y'know what it means if you can tie cherry stems with your tongue, right?"

"That you have a weird tongue?" Well, Finn hadn’t thought that answer through. But before he got a reaction they heard honks and tires screeching outside. Poe’s hands flew to his ears and Finn jumped as a bone-rattling crunch snapped the air like a whip. His brain still ringing, Finn ran up to the window, wiping the frost away and squinting into the dark, trying to get a read on the situation.

“Car crashed into the wall. You got a First Aid kit?”

“I…” Poe seemed to be in a daze, then he grabbed a bright red bag out from under the counter and bolted, Finn following close behind. So close that he actually slammed into Poe when he made a sudden stop in the doorway. “Blue, you stay. Any doctors in here?"

"Paramedic?" Finn offered.

"Yeah, you'll do..." Poe stopped one more time, nodding at this oldish guy sitting in the corner with a crossword puzzle. "Lu'lo, I need you to call an ambulance.”

“Gotcha, Poe. Any of you young people have First Aid, I suggest you get out there.” he added to the group at large, authority easy in his voice. A couple regulars hopped up, and then they were out the door, squinting and slipping and shivering in the rain. 

While Poe organized their little team Finn took a look at the accident itself.  A car had skidded and careened into the side of a building in a smoking wreck. Hit and run, from the looks of it. There was yelling in the backseat which Finn ignored, focusing on the unconscious driver, who had blood oozing out of a cut in his temple. He tapped him on both shoulders, tried pinching his ear when that didn’t work.

"Hey, talk to me. How many people in the car?" No response. Finn checked airways and pulse while Poe dealt with the kid he had pulled out of the shattered rear windshield, pale and trembling from shock. A shard of glass had sliced her arm and Finn listened with one ear as Poe patched her up with some bandages, making small talk to take her mind off of it.

"What's your name?"

"Emma Ko..."

"Hi, Emma. I'm Poe. That's Finn. We're gonna help you guys out, alright? You and your dad are gonna be just fine."

"What's wrong with Dad?"

"We're taking care of him. What's his name?"

"James. Mommy calls him Jim. She's at the airport. She's in the Army. She’s coming back for Christmas."

"I'm sure she's excited to see you." Finn tapped Poe on the shoulder and he gave Emma's shoulder a squeeze as he handed her off to a customer, this tall guy with swampy blond hair. "You go sit inside, kiddo. Matt here'll fix something warm for you. Got it?"

“What about my Dad?”

“We’ll take care of him.” Finn assured her, pulling Poe over. He kept his voice as quiet as he could, even as thunder boomed overhead. "We have to get him out. Something weird going on with the lumbar, but I can't get a pulse, so..."

"Gotta prioritize." Poe agreed. At the very least the car door had been torn off during the crash. Made actually getting the driver out and laying him down on a dry patch of sidewalk pretty easy. Poe balled up his apron, packing it around the guy's neck and securing a facial shield on him while Finn started chest compressions. "Switch out every three?"

"Gotcha."

During Poe's turn Finn set up the AED, trying his best not to get anything too wet. After the first try with no pulse they went back to CPR, Finn holding the driver's head steady while Poe counted out compressions. Lightning flashed and they both winced, Poe's arms twitching as he tried to keep his pace steady. The storm kept gawkers at bay, but Finn could see them in the store windows, craning their necks to try and get a better look, soak up the show. Finn swallowed his irritation and tried to focus. This could be a long night.

They kept that up for what felt like hours, although it was really only a few minutes. During their twelfth switch-out the machine beeped, fully charged after their second attempt failed. Poe glanced at Finn and cocked an eyebrow.

"Another shock?" Finn wiped the rain from his eyes, shifting uncomfortably in his waterlogged jeans. Three was the reasonable limit, in most cases. You go over that and God knows what that'll do to the patient's system. There wasn't much else they could try, though.

"Another shock." The two of them stood clear as the driver twitched with the current, fingers spasming and curling. Poe hesitated when the machine flashed a message telling him to check for a heartbeat, watching with bated breath as Finn searched the guy’s neck.

“Well?”

"There's a pulse." Finn almost laughed, he was so relieved. And when the guy opened his eyes a minute later Finn could’ve kissed him. "Hey, James?"

"Who..." Suddenly an ambulance shrieked down the street and they all turned, Finn pouting a bit when it parked and one of his work friends hopped out. Well, it was about fucking time.

“Jess.” he sighed as she and her partner took his and Poe’s spots, setting up equipment and checking up on the driver. The poor man seemed pretty bewildered by all this. “How’s life?”

“Hiya, Finn. And Poe? Wow, it really is a small world...” Jess went back to taking vitals before Finn could process that statement.

“You know her?” Poe reddened and Finn laughed. They had both asked at the same time. “I work with her.” Finn continued. “You?”

“We’ve got…” It was impossible to miss the hesitation in Poe’s voice. “A workshop thing.”

“A workshop thing? Say therapy and save yourself a couple letters.” Jess called over. The flush crept down Poe’s neck and his face took on this closed-off, hard look. Jess seemed to pick up on it, giving Finn a pointed glance. “But who wouldn’t need therapy, working with this guy?”

“I’m a handful.” Finn agreed, smiling at Poe. The look melted off of his face and he laughed, disaster happily averted.

While Jess and her partner bundled James up on a gurney Finn dropped down on a bench, rubbing the stiffness out of his shoulders. He couldn't quite push down that twinge of annoyance he always got when backup finally got to the scene. That _why the fuck did that take so long it's like you guys went through a drive-through what the hell_ feeling was ungrateful, he knew, but it was all part and parcel to the job.

"Daddy?" The little girl Poe had pulled out of the wreck ran up to them and clung to the side of the gurney. The blanket somebody had wrapped her in was trailing on the ground, the stars and moons stitched into the fabric speckled with dirt. Her dad smiled behind the oxygen mask as she trotted along beside him. “You feel better?”

"’Course, Em. How’s your arm? I don’t think the cake you made for Mommy got out alive..."

“Can I make another one when we get home? With chocolate and caramel and...”

Finn couldn’t help but smile, listening to the two of them. Just another part of the job, but this was one that didn’t take any getting used to. After statements were taken and everybody was loaded into the truck, Jess gave Finn a wave and Poe a salute, then the ambulance drove off and that was it. Well, that had been exciting.

While he was trying to figure out where to go from here Finn felt something heavy settle on his shoulders. He glanced at Poe, who was arranging the collar of his leather jacket so it covered Finn’s neck.

"Sorry. You look like Jack in Titanic. We should get you warmed up before you wind up in the hospital, yourself. I still owe you a hot chocolate, don't I?"

Finn was still trying to process the fact that Poe was acting like they were in some goddamned romance movie. Wondering when the musical number would start, Finn drew the jacket closer and nodded, happy to find it warm.

"That actually doesn't sound half bad."


	3. Chapter 3

"Poe? Storm's clearing up. Think we can open shop or..."

Finn trailed off when he stepped into the kitchen and saw Poe sitting on the counter. He had rolled his jeans up to his knee and was towelling off his left calf, shaking the rainwater out of the clicking joints. Finn caught a glimpse of sleek black and red metal before Poe yanked his pant leg back into place, looking embarrassed that he'd been caught with his pants down. Or up, as it were.

"Oh, hey, Finn. Power's back? Sweet. Great. That's good." Poe noticed Finn's gaze drifting down and he scuffed the cabinet sheepishly with the toe of his prosthetic. Well, this was awkward.

"Water screws with the mechanical bits. And the last thing I need is a rusty knee." he explained.

"Makes sense." Finn's voice was easy, almost casual. Poe couldn't tell whether or not he was hiding anything underneath it. That just made this whole thing even worse, somehow. Outright pity Poe could ignore. Ambiguous looks took too much time trying to decipher.

"Benefit of working behind a counter." he laughed nervously, still never quite looking directly at Finn. "People usually don't see me from the waist down. You got a way home?" he asked in the hope of getting off the subject while he still could. "I'd give you a ride, but motorcycles and ice don't mix."

"I can imagine." Finn's laugh bubbled up from deep in his chest, sending a little thrill shooting from the top of Poe's head right down to his toes, even the fake ones. Whoa, that hadn't happened in years. It made him jump a bit, if you want the truth. Finn gave him one of those wide grins and Poe gulped. Oh, man. He was in way too deep with this guy. “I should get going. Roommates gonna start thinking I got myself killed…”

“Why don’t you call her?”

“Dropped my phone in the East River on accident about a month back.” Finn admitted sheepishly. Poe couldn’t help the smirk that tugged at his lips. “Yeah, I’m a dumbass. You can say so.”

“You’re a dumbass.” Poe laughed, following Finn back into the front. People were gathering up their things, gearing up for the wet walk home. Finn was the last to file out, holding the door open for a dad and a couple kids. Poe found himself watching them, mind drifting over to the crash on the corner, Emma’s wide eyes and James’ still form on the concrete.

"Hey, think you'll be able to find out what happened to those guys? I need closure.”

"I'll see if Jess knows anything." Finn tugged Poe’s jacket tight around his chest, then he smacked himself on the forehead and started to wriggle out of it. "Oh, right. Not mine. Sorry about nearly stealing your shit..."

"No worries. Go ahead and keep it. It's cold out there." Besides, Finn wore that old thing well. Poe wasn't about to say that aloud, but he was sure thinking it pretty hard.

"You're sure?" Poe cocked an eyebrow and Finn slipped the jacket back on. "You're sure."

"Thanks for noticing. See you, Finn.”

“Count on it.” Finn smiled. Well that was encouraging. Poe waved him out the door and went back to wiping down the counter, Blue cuddled around his ankles. When Finn was out of sight Poe looked down at her and smirked. He was in a good mood, strangely enough. That really shouldn't be the case.

“You like him, don’t you, Blue?” She shook her little stub of a tail and Poe snorted. “That makes two of us.”

 

\------------------

 

_"Oh, but Lord Phillip," Vallerie exclaimed, tears dripping from her violet orbs and caressing her smooth ivory cheeks. "you know that I am nothing but a poor, plain scullery maid. A horse would be a better bride than I."_

_"My dearest, my angel, no horse can compare to you." Phillip vowed, showering Vallerie with kisses that made her elfish body tremble with desire. Oh, how she longed for the masculine strength and raw power that radiated from this man! He was like a bonfire, she the marshmallow melting as it was thrust into his heat. "You are mine, Vallerie. My love, my darling, my..."_

"What're you reading?"

Poe snapped the book shut and looked up at Finn, blushing like a teenager caught with a Playboy. Only that would be easier to explain than a grown man reading a romance novel. "Literary connoisseur, huh?"

"Guilty pleasure. Fuck off." Blushing, Poe slid the book under the counter, hoping Finn hadn't caught sight of the cover. The only thing more embarrassing than the writing in these books were the ridiculously gorgeous people plastered on the front cover, all in various states of undress. Once again: embarrassing. "What brings you here?"  

"Owed you for the hot chocolate from a week ago. Three dollars should cover it, right?"

"This is your fourth time coming in here trying to pay for that shit. What part of 'on the house' didn't you understand?" Poe looked at the tarnished coins Finn pushed towards him and stuck out his tongue, leaving them on the counter. Finn just scooped them up and dropped them into the donation jar, the bastard.

“You’re too nice, y'know that? It makes the rest of us look like assholes. You're so nice it's downright _rude_."

"High praise." While Finn laughed Poe pushed a mug of hot chocolate towards him, catching him off guard while he could. "Oh, c'mon, Poe..."

"Go sit down and drink. Go on." Finn sighed and followed orders, only after Poe dropped a marshmallow into the whipped cream swirled on top. Well, in this case following orders wouldn’t exactly be a hardship.

The evening rush came and went, so Poe was reasonably busy. Coffee, pastries, a bunch of big orders, another couple cakes. A few extra hours out of bed and it would be done, no sweat. Well, some sweat. The kitchen got pretty hot.

While Poe was clearing up plates he found Finn asleep in the armchair by the fire, Blue curled up happily in his lap. She seemed to have warmed to him. Usually she stayed tucked demurely in her nook by the register, but once the last customer left and her security sweep was done she could wriggle out of her harness and slack off. Seems she had stopped considering Finn a customer. Poe started to wake him and then decided against it, instead just crashing on the couch with a new novel, prosthetic leaned against the coffee table.

Halfway through chapter twelve the chair squeaked and Poe looked over, grinning when Blue hopped up and licked at Finn’s cheeks and mouth.

“Hey, dog…” Finn yawned, trying to push her down. “Geez, lay off, would you? I know I’m cute, but-” Poe laughed and Finn jumped, eyes wide.

“Oh. Hey, Poe. I’m not flirting with your dog, wait that sounded weird I mean-”  As Finn was trying to salvage that wreck of a sentence Poe tossed his book onto the table and stretched, one eye on the clock. Finn followed his gaze and groaned. “Oh, geez. I haven’t kept you up, have I?”

“Nah. I’m not big on the whole sleep thing.” Poe admitted. It was news if he got four hours, a fucking headline if he made it the whole night. Best to just cut his losses and ramp up the caffeine. “Besides, no way in hell was I sending you out in that storm."

His words were punctuated with a clap of thunder that rattled the windowpanes. Finn didn't wince, but it was all Poe could do not to go ducking for cover. Instead he tightened his grip on the couch cushion as discreetly as possible, taking a deep breath. It was just thunder. It couldn't hurt him. You'd think he would have that figured out, ten years after the fact.

"Poe? You alright?" Poe blinked and turned to Finn. In spite of all his efforts, Finn seemed to have noticed that something was off with Poe. That was just fantastic. Poe tugged at one of the buttons stitched into the couch and shrugged.

"Don't like thunder." Poe mumbled. That seemed to be a reasonable explanation. Finn eyed him with what might be concern, but he softened his gaze when Poe sunk deeper into the couch. Seems like the issue had been dropped, at least for now. “Hey, that wasn’t creepy of me, is it?”

“What? Letting me stay? Yes. I’m creeped out by the fact that you didn’t kick me out in the pouring rain. Gonna have to put you on the registry.” Finn laughed. Poe rolled his eyes, but a smile was starting to tweak at his lips. Being around Finn had to be the easiest thing in the world.

“Ha ha. Hey, you want something? There’s leftovers, y’know. Go ahead and steal a cupcake.”

“Why’re you always trying to feed people? I think you were a grandmother in one of your past lives.” Finn teased. As though to prove Finn’s point Poe heaved himself upright and hopped over to the kitchen, coming back with a fudge brownie and a triumphant smirk on his face.

“Really?”

“Yep. You look thin.” Poe handed the plate to Finn and plopped back down with a relieved huff. “Holler if you want anything else.”

“You’re right there.”

“Holler anyways. I’m going deaf.”

“You’re not that old…”

“What’d ya say, sonny?” Poe wheezed, adjusting his reading glasses with trembling fingers.  Finn rolled his eyes and pulled a notebook out of his bag, laughing at Poe’s antics around a mouthful of chocolate chips and caramel. Well, there were worse places to spend an evening.

While they waited out the storm Poe read under his breath and Finn sketched. Nothing special, just whatever caught his attention. The carved stone bird on the mantelpiece with ruby eyes, Blue wriggling and writhing on her little blankie. He slipped into drawing Poe every once in awhile, but stopped himself before getting down anything more than the outline of a hand or jaw. That would just be too awkward.

Only after another half hour of making a special effort to not look Finn snuck a glance at Poe, a smirk tugging the edge of his lips. Poe’s arm was lolling on the ground and his novel was tented on his face, pages fluttering as he breathed.

“So you do sleep.” Finn lifted the book when it started to slip to the floor and flipped it over, picking up where Poe must have left off.

_“Francesca, I can not keep it from you any longer. You are my bosom friend, my pinky-sworn sister. Now I must tell you a deep, deep secret. For I… I…” Starlina threw herself at Francesca’s feet in a silken fit of passion, perfect ivory hands clasped in desperate plea._

_“I love your eldest brother, Theodorus! But oh, I cannot confess. Oh, he is so handsome, so strong, so, so…” Starlina shook her shapely head, blond locks spilling from her bonnet and cascading over her deer-like shoulders._

_“How can I, Starlina Everlight, a simple country girl with but my purity to my name, ever wish to become the gentle wife to a general of the Queen’s Army? How, Francesca?”_

“I feel you, Starlina.” Finn mumbled. The dog perked up and cocked her head, but Poe didn't move, thankfully. The guy sure was a heavy sleeper. "I can’t tell him, either."

Don’t get him wrong, Finn wanted to tell Poe that he was falling for him. But whenever an opportunity came up he just got sick to his stomach and couldn’t go through with it. Every feeling he had ever suppressed got jammed in his throat, leaking out of that Pandora's box of botched romances somewhere inside him. The slights, snubs, jeers, even the little glimmers of success stayed in there, warning Finn not to leave his heart out in the open like that. Being careless was just asking to get hurt all over again.

His first mistake was his crush on a girl named Sophie, who gave him a pretty rock and even went so far as to hold hands with him. Then one fine day she announced that her Mommy didn’t want them to be friends, let alone kindergarten sweethearts. Finn still remembered that conversation, watching her swing across the monkey bars with her blond hair glittering in the sun, her lips stained blue from a raspberry lollipop.

_Why doesn’t your mommy like me?_

_She said you’re dirty. Said you’re gonna do bad things to me when you get older._

_Why would I do bad things to you?_

_‘Cause that’s what people who look like you do. So I can’t be your girlfriend. She’ll spank me if she sees me with you._

Then there was David in middle school, a jock two years ahead who Finn never spoke to for fear of outing himself. Something about the guy being student council president in a fundamentalist Christian school told Finn that he should probably keep his unholy yearnings out of sight. Out of mind, too. Maybe it would all go away if he just ignored it, let that part of him wither and die. It was a good plan, then he fucked it up with his third, and arguably biggest mistake.

A couple months before graduation he had been made to stare at a wall for hours, punishment for the discovery of a forgotten love letter in his back pocket. Finn had scribbled out the guy’s name so the teacher wouldn’t know who it was, who it was that for once in his life made Finn feel like he mattered, that he was actually worth something. Of course, that made them both twisted freaks. Finn had taken the punishment for both of them, but Slip was caught anyways and never spoke to Finn after conversion therapy. Apparently whatever they had done to him had worked.

The memories, the hurt, even the headache he had worked up staring at the cracking plaster, it all intermingled and swelled, seeping through Finn's veins like glue. Those romances all ended badly because of who he was. What would make this one any different?

Finn knew his fear was unfounded. He was in New York, for Christ’s sake. Nobody was about to send Finn off to conversion camp, and Poe even had one of those little rainbow stickers on the front door. If Finn popped a question he knew that at the very least Poe wouldn’t hate him for it, but if it turned out that the feeling was mutual, now there was a whole other issue.

The fire crackled and Finn blinked, realised he had been standing there staring at Poe for a solid five minutes. Talk about creepy. Fuck. He really couldn’t do anything right, could he?

“Please tell me you’re asleep.” he mumbled. Poe just snored in response and Finn took a deep breath. Alright. Good. If he had been awake for all this Finn would have had a heart attack.

“I think I should get going. See you later.” Because as easy as it would be to never come back, Finn couldn’t find it in himself to cut out whatever it was he had found here. Poe was good company, romantic or otherwise.

 

\----------------

 

When the front door clicked shut Poe opened his eyes and winced. Man, this couch was uncomfortable. Then again it might just be the fact that he was a creaky old man. One of the two. He rubbed Blue when she hopped into his lap and demanded it, but his mind was on the heels of a confused medic crunching his way through the snow, cheeks hot enough to melt the flakes that landed there. Finn's voice had woken Poe up, the words had kept him quiet. It had been something of a bombshell, after all.

“He likes me _back_ , Blue.” Poe laughed, giving her a scratch behind the ear. He rode the wave of victory for a couple seconds before forcing himself to consider the nitty-gritty of all this.

While it was great that Finn liked him, Poe really wasn’t sure where to go from here. If only this were one of his romance movies. He would jump to his feet this very second, go leaping and bounding into traffic, grab Finn and kiss him right there in the middle of the glittering street as the music swelled and the camera panned out, let the credits roll on their happily ever after.

That would be nice, but it would take Poe a few minutes to get his leg locked in properly, and by then who known how far Finn had gone. And really, kissing in public was bound to end badly for them. His triumph completely forgotten, Poe set about putting himself back together, running through some numbers in his head, trying to push aside the guilt and want he couldn't just ignore anymore.

A phantom itch nagged him while he got everything ready for tomorrow. Busy work, really. He didn't want to go upstairs just to stare at his empty apartment. The place was set up for two, he realised, mixing up some coffee cake at the counter. Two mismatched chairs at the kitchen table, two cracking mirrors in the bathroom, two patchwork quilts on the double bed. And it all belonged to one lonely old soldier.

Not like Poe could complain about all that being his. Eight years ago he had a black and red Harley Davidson to his name and not much else. Well, maybe some knives, a couple medals, a bottle of jack on a good day. Not exactly a model citizen, and the scars scattered all over his skin could attest to that. Back in those days he heard often enough that he would kill himself with his recklessness. That had been his goal, for a long while. His leg was gone and his friends were dead. Seemed as though nothing mattered anymore.

But Poe had never considered suicide. That would be admitting he had a problem, admitting that he wasn't okay. Better to go out laughing, in a motorcycle crash or pulling a drunken stunt on a twelfth storey balcony. So his mid-twenties were spent staring up at the bottom of shot glasses or the bloody concrete he had just cracked his skull on. Through it all, dumb luck kept him alive. Sometimes Poe wondered if it ever got sick of stepping in on his behalf.

Then after a long time he had picked up the pieces, set a goal and fixed his eyes to it. His life revolved around the shop, therapy, and that one-eyed service dog he got a few years back. Nothing else was allowed in that bubble. Thankfully, no one else wanted in. They thought he was the happiest guy on earth. You couldn't be unhappy with a successful bakery and a cute little corgi, could you? What more could he need?

A hug, for one. Poe couldn't remember the last time someone had wrapped their arms around him and just held on. Not because someone had died or emotions were running high. Only because they honestly, truly, wanted to be close to him. His mom had given great hugs. His dad was more inclined to punch shoulders and ruffle hair, but it got the message across.

Who knows what they would think if they saw him today. Maybe they'd be proud, or maybe they'd be scared for him. Hell, _of_ him. After all, his mother would still know him as that chubby little eight year old, a grimy tyke convinced he could fit in her lap and begging every night for just one more hug. Good luck trying to connect that kid to this middle-aged guy still hung up on the past, a lonely mess with PTSD and one leg missing. Yeah, real huggable.

Well, Finn seemed to think so. Now that sent Poe's old heart all aflutter. When the idea didn’t fucking terrify him, that is. The good news was that at this point it was just a matter of one of them working up the courage to make a move. Maybe there was a chance, after all. A fluttering smile spread across Poe's face, then he looked down and realised he had spilled the damn cake batter all over the counter.


	4. Chapter 4

“...The kids have too much homework to go anywhere. Two essays, can you believe it? Like there’s no break at all…” 

"Aren't they in grade four? Why the hell are they writing essays?"

"Beats me. Apparently it's prep for high school..."

The others kept chatting as Poe jumped in his plastic chair, his ringtone coming as a surprise. He did not remember setting it to a sped up version of Danger Zone.

“Gotta take this.” he mumbled, grateful for the chance to step away from the stifling domestic blather. It was always strange, these counselling sessions. One second people could be talking about the time their buddy got blown to bits in Afghanistan, then they’d turn around and start chatting about kitchen renovations. Making the switch got to be reflex, after a while.

"Hello?"

"Hey, Poe, it's me. Finn. It's Finn. Okay you probably knew that but anyways I know this is weird and sudden and creepy but I forgot my keys in my other pants and Rey's at a concert and I don't want to sleep at the station and it's too icy for me to climb up the fire escape so I was wondering if maybe I could sort of..."

"I'll set up the couch for you." Poe interrupted. When Finn started rambling, getting him to stop was a real chore. Better Poe get to the point for him. "You get off work at nine, right?"

"Yeah. Wait, I can stay? Oh. Wow. Really? That was easy. Thanks. A lot. Thanks a lot."

"Don't mention it. See you then." Poe smiled, listening to Finn fumble with something as he hung up. Everything he did put a grin on Poe’s face. Or made him tremble in abject terror. There was no in between, really.

"I know that smile. Seen it on Kes' face whenever your mom came back home in one piece. You got yourself a flame, Poe?" L’ulo called over from the snack table. Being the wise old man of the group, he felt the need to know everything about everyone’s business. Maybe it was just a senior citizen thing, seeing as how nothing much goes on on their end. Had to fill in the blanks somehow.

"No, I don’t. Sit down and eat your cookie." Poe stuffed his phone in his pocket and bit down on his lower lip, shaking his head as he limped back over. He leant against the peeling wallpaper with Blue curled around his ankles, trying to figure out why he felt eyes on the back of his neck. The icon on the far wall seemed to be staring at him. Man, churches creeped all hell outta him. Why couldn’t they have meetings in a pet shop or something?

“No flame. Nope. Nothing like that.”

“We talking about Poe’s boyfriend? I’d say it’s about time, Dameron. You’re getting close to your expiration date…” Jess teased. “Don’t worry. If the way Finn watches the other guys working out means anything, you got a shot.”

“Thanks for the advice.” Poe rolled his eyes and grabbed another cookie. “Not that I need it.” A funny feeling tingled in his fingers. Dare he call it hope?

 

\-------------

 

Someone was waiting for Poe in the bakery doorway, shivering and shaking in the cold. Finn looked like an ice sculpture, the poor guy. Hiding under the awning had spared him from the worst of the weather, but it hadn’t done much to help when the rain started to come in sideways. For the life of him, Poe could not remember the last time they had a winter this bad. He should know. Discounting that stint in Iraq, Poe’s big move from Brooklyn to Manhattan had been all of twelve miles.

“Finally.” Despite it all Finn managed a little smile when Poe walked up. Raindrops were running down his face in rivulets, white against his skin. “Thought I’d be stuck out here forever.”

"Sorry, traffic was a nightmare.” That was an understatement. His bus had barely moved for half an hour. It had gotten to the point that Poe decided _fuck it_ and walked the rest of the way. “How long’ve you been waiting?”

That seemed to be the safest question, but Poe had way more to ask Finn than that. He was dripping with slush, for one, and there seemed to be something squirming under his jacket. Reminded him a little too much of _Alien_.

“Not too long.”

“Mm. Hey, don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re not pregnant, are you?” Finn glanced down at the bulge in his stomach and shrugged, a sheepish smile on his face.

“Maybe. Had a one night stand and the next thing I knew the baby daddy’s two towns over." Something started to squirm in there and Finn gave his baby bump a rub. “I’m not ready to be a single parent.”

"Too late to turn back now. I think it's crowning." Before either of them knew it a puppy was poking its head out of the gap in Finn’s jacket, shaking the water from its pelt. It looked to be about three weeks old, maybe a Rottweiler. "Where the hell did you get that?"

"We found a litter outside the station. He’s the runt, and I was thinking..." Finn sneezed and it scratched at him, ungrateful little tyke. “I was thinking I could take care of him until he can keep up with the others. Is it okay if he stays here for the night?”

“Yeah, sure.” Of course that’s what Finn was thinking. Fuck, it’s like he was trying to press Poe’s buttons. If he hadn’t already been head over heels for this guy, this definitely would’ve cinched it. "You coming down with something?"

"I think so. Got splashed with curb water on the weekend. And again ten minutes ago." Finn sniffled and cuddled his puppy a little bit closer. "How do you northerners live like this?"

"Buy an umbrella." Poe advised, shaking water out of the big orange one he kept tucked in his bag basically 24/7. He pulled Finn up by the hand, wincing when he found it ice cold. "Or just wear a poncho at all times. C'mon, let's get the both of you warmed up."

After mushed up dogfood and a bath, the puppy, who Finn had christened Muffin, drifted off in the crook of his arm, pretty content from the look of it. Bedtime came and went, but despite all Poe’s efforts Finn didn’t seem quite ready to part with his baby.

“I can’t leave him all by himself yet, Poe.” Finn whispered. Muffin was sucking on Finn’s thumb like a pacifier, tail wiggling in his sleep. If he didn’t quit being endearing soon Finn would never get any shut-eye. “What if he gets hungry?”

“He can waddle over to the dog bowl. He’s got legs, y’know.”

“What if he gets lonely?”

“He’ll be in the same room as you.” Poe cajoled, nodding at the old shoebox sitting by the TV. He had warmed up some old pillowcases, padded the box with them to make a dog bed. He was quite proud of it. “Look, you’ll even be able to make sure he’s breathing. You’ll be that close. Besides, you don’t want him catching your cold, do you?”

“Yeah, but what if…” Poe cocked an eyebrow and Finn pushed out a long-suffering sigh, “I hate you.”  

“Tough love, buddy. Now hand him over.” Surrendering his wriggling bundle of joy took another two minutes, but eventually Finn gave Muffin one more kiss and dropped him in Poe’s arms. “Good job, dad. Now go get ready for bed, got it?”

While Finn showered and brushed and what-have-you, Poe tucked Muffin into his makeshift bed, making sure Finn would have no objections about the accommodations when he came back.

“Your dad’s real picky, y’know that? Talk about your crazy dog person. His butt more than makes up for it, though.” Poe reflected. Muffin blinked a round eye before snuggling down in the linens with a happy huff. “There we go. Nice and cosy.” Satisfied, Poe stood up and watched Blue inspect his work, sniffing and licking at Muffin. “I’d say I did a good job, right?”

Blue looked at Poe, then looked back at the puppy. And after all his hard work she scooped Muffin up by the scruff of the neck and dragged him over to her dog bed by the kitchen counter. Poe would have protested, but it was just too darn cute seeing the two of them snuggled up together in a happy heap of fur. Oh well. Guess Finn would have to get used to the empty nest syndrome.

 

\----------------

 

“You alright? Seem kinda lonesome with your kid all of five feet away.”

“May as well be an ocean. Blue won’t let me get near him.” Finn sniffled. Even when he got out of the shower Blue had refused to give Muffin up. Apparently she had adopted him. So now Finn was curled up on the couch with a quilt, soup, tea, and this lonely look on his face, watching Poe dig through the kitchen cabinets. Seemed to be lost in thought. In a bid to guide him back Poe tossed half a cookie his way and cocked an eyebrow.

"Why're you looking at me like that?"

"Oh. What? I dunno. Thinking.” Finn mumbled. He dunked his cookie in his mug, sighing when the bottom half snapped off. “It’s just, don't you ever go anywhere? My hours are off the wall, but that’s the first time you haven’t been around."

"'Course I go places. What, y'think I'm some kind of hermit?" Poe laughed, distracting himself with a new recipe he was planning to test out on Finn. Aside from the gym and therapy, if it wasn't work related Poe stayed out of it. "'Course I go places."

“You’re a terrible liar, y’know that?”

“And you’re not?”

“I’ve got to tell people _you’re fine_ when their guts are spilling out their sides. I think I’m qualified to say that I’m a good liar.” Finn laughed, his voice breaking off in a hacking cough.

Gallows humour, he knew. Most people, if he told them a joke like that their brows would crease with worry, they’d pat him on the hand and promise they’d be there if he ever wanted to talk about it. Finn hated that old line. What was there to talk about? It was a job. A messy one, sure, but making jokes was oodles better than any profound conversation. Poe just snorted and shook his head, a sympathetic grin on his face. He got it, at least. He just got Finn in general. Nobody else in the damn state could stake that claim, aside from Rey. Speaking of which.

“Why’s your laptop in a Ziploc?” Poe asked, looking up from the dough he was rolling out. It was a weird purple colour that Finn really wanted to ask about, but didn’t want to risk getting thrown out over.

“I didn’t buy a waterproof bag.” Finn admitted, shaking the raindrops off of his backpack. Instead of something functional and useful, he had just bought one that was patterned with pieces of pizza. It had seemed like a good idea at the time. “Can I leech off your internet? Need to tell Rey to call off the search party.”

“Hope she hasn’t phoned the National Guard, yet. Think they’ll wanna buy something when they find you here?”

“Ever the businessman…” After shooting her a messages Finn took a look at his notifications. Rey had tagged him in a picture from a couple days ago, and as usual the people from back home had come for him. Yeah, Finn was looking forward to the high school reunion. Wondering why he bothered, Finn clicked absently through the messages. Maybe somebody had changed their tune since he had heard from them last.

_FAGGOT._

_U will rot in hell one day_

_Don’t think u can hide we will find and KILL u_

_You make me sick._

Run of the mill stuff, really. But one message caught his eye. Mostly because there was actual grammar and punctuation involved. Now that was rare.

_God will guide you back to us. Repent, and you will be welcomed with opened arms. God’s light will shine on you, I believe it._

Finn snorted, staring at the message like it was a viper. These people, they were so sure of themselves, so firm in their belief. After all they had said to him, all they had done, they still thought he would consider coming back to them. Why the fuck would Finn ever want to go back to that life, the hiding and the denying and the praying for salvation that would never come?

He remembered his classmates, swaying and praying as the preacher banged on the pulpit and proclaimed that it was their mission to rid the world of the impure. He saw himself, standing on the side of the road with a sign that had FAGS WILL BURN splashed on it in red paint. On a school ‘mission trip’ to a pride parade, shame was the only feeling he could muster.

And then, in what had to be the biggest turning point of his life he had made eye contact with a woman on one of the floats. Standing tall on top of a truck covered in flowers and balloons, she had caught his gaze, her rainbow necklace winking white.

She looked down at Finn’s shrieking classmates, grinning, and in that mob of contorted faces Finn’s expression betrayed him. Her exuberant smile slipped, softened. She knew. She understood. For a second Finn had let himself be relieved, then that fear seized him up all over again. Because if she could tell, who else could?

“Your face is gonna get stuck like that.” Poe warned from the kitchen. Finn shook himself out of his thoughts and tried for a grin, craning his neck to see what Poe was up to. “What’s got your knickers in a knot?”

“Nothing. The internet’s being stupid. What’s in the oven?”

“Ube cookies.”

“Huh?”

“Purple yam. Good when you're sick.”

“Refer to my previous answer.”

“Open mind, Finn…”

“I don’t want vegetables in my dessert.”

“Think of it as dessert in your vegetables.” Poe countered. In a strange change of pace, Finn actually didn’t have an answer for that. “Gotcha.”

“Shut up.” A grin spread across Finn’s face and he slipped his headphones on, snuggling down under his quilt with a cough. He couldn’t explain this, the way having Poe around made everything just a little bit better. This good mood was a temporary fix, sure, but there was no reason he couldn’t enjoy it.

 

\----------------

 

“Hey, it’s the sun, holy shit.” Poe lifted the window shades, smiling a little bit into his coffee. “Haven’t seen you in awhile…”

“That’ll make the walk home easy.” Finn coughed. He flopped against the couch, Muffin licking at his face. That was really the only thing keeping him awake. Nightmares had kept him up all night. Poe, too, but neither was about to admit it. Finn had heard it, though. Poe screaming through the wall, knocking stuff off of the bedside table. Hadn’t exactly helped Finn’s own sleep situation.

"You want breakfast?”

“I’m good. Thanks for the offer, though. Take you up on it some other time.” Not right now, though. Not while he could still hear Father Armitage shrieking in his ear, drilling into him that he was meant for damnation, for infinite torment, for the worst hell had to offer. Finn screwed up his face and sneezed. Why couldn’t he just dream about his teeth falling out like everybody else?

"You're sure you don't want something?" Poe prodded, his forehead all crinkled up. Right, the man was a complete mother hen. How had Finn forgotten that? "Someone didn't pick up an order last night and I don't wanna eat an entire pie by myself..."

“Y'know, maybe I could stay a little while.” Finn mumbled into Muffin's fur. God, he was such a fucking pushover when it came to Poe.

After cold apple pie and hot chocolate Poe followed Finn downstairs, making sure he had a box of leftovers under one arm and Muffin curled up in his jacket, pestering him with questions all the way.

“You got everything? Make sure you zip up your jacket. I don't think I gave you enough food. You're still coughing so have some tea when you get home, got it?”

“Yes, mom.” Finn rolled his eyes, hopping outside and landing in a couple inches of snow. Poe hovered in the doorway, arms crossed tight across his chest. "What's up?"

"Nothing, just..." Poe looked up and shrugged. "Mistletoe." Finn followed Poe's eyes and bit the inside of his cheek. A few sprigs were hanging in the doorway, wrapped neatly in a bright red bow. "Jess must've hung it when she came over."

"Don't tell me she carries mistletoe around with her." Finn laughed. Was that a smile on Poe’s face? It could just be the sleep clouding Finn’s head.

"She might."

"Huh."

As the silence dragged on Finn could feel his face heating up, the expectancy weighing down the cool morning air. Well, it's not like he'd ever get another chance to do this. After some figuring he pressed his lips to Poe's temple, holding for a couple seconds before propriety made him drop his eyes and step back.

"Thanks for letting me stay." he mumbled.

“Don’t mention it.” They parted ways without saying much else. Poe did wave at Muffin when he poked his head up over Finn’s shoulder, though. Once the only trace of those two were the footprints in the snow Poe shut the door and shuffled back into the apartment, his left step a little heavier than his right.

"I have a bad feeling about this, Blue.” he told the little bundle of orange fur that hopped up into his lap. His forehead burnt, but whether it was that kiss or a cold, Poe wasn’t quite sure. Whatever it was, it was Finn’s fault.

Blue’s one eye squinted curiously as Poe rested back on the couch, seeming to have drifted off to a world of his own with this absent smile on his face. So did he have a bad feeling about this or what? After nuzzling got no response Blue settled down in his lap and let him scratch at her ear. Man, humans sure were confusing.

 

\--------------

 

“Hey there, Casanova. So did you get naked or what?” Rey called from her bedroom. Why was that the first thing Finn heard when he stepped into the apartment? He wasn’t in the mood for an interrogation. Muffin wriggled under his jacket and Finn put him down, watching him waddle over to Rey’s bedroom. That should distract her. “Say something, Finn. Or is your throat too sore from - Oh my God you’re so cute what are you doing here _hi_ …”

That seemed to work. Rey ran out of the bedroom with Muffin squirming in her arms, a huge smile on her face.

“Oh my God he’s so cute!” she squealed and hugged Muffin closer, sprinkling his wrinkly snout with excited kisses. “What’s he doing here?”

“He’s your Christmas gift.” Well, their joint Christmas gift. “Vet checked him out. He’s a little small, but mostly fine.”

“Thank you thank you thank you! He’s so fucking precious, Finn. Oh, wait’ll the guys at the shop see him. Luke’s gonna be so fucking jealous and-” Suddenly Rey screwed up her face and stuck her tongue out at Finn. Apparently she had discovered his ploy. “No. You’re distracting me. Baker guy. You have to tell the baker guy how you feel about him.”

“Not on your life, Rey.” She put her tongue back where it belonged and flopped down onto the couch, pulling a clipboard out from under one of the cushions. “What the hell are you doing?"

"Adding something to my wish list." She rolled off of the couch and onto the throw pillows she had piled on the ground, Muffin snuggling in at her side. "Okay, after the rooftop conservatory, I wish for Finn to get it together and ask that reportedly attractive baker out on a date."

“Not gonna happen.” Finn said sharply, sticking his head in the fridge in a bid to avoid having this conversation. Nothing in there but vodka and a package of funfetti. He added the pastries Poe had given him, but it was still a pretty dismal spread. “Weren’t you supposed to go grocery shopping?”

“You’re changing the subject. Tell the baker guy how you feel.”

"Rey, it's not that easy..."

"Yeah it is. You just overcomplicate it. Look. If you pine and he finds someone else your heart gets broken, and if you ask and he says he doesn't feel the same way your heart gets broken. I say go for it, since either way your heart winds up being broken.”

“You really are bad at this relationship stuff, aren’t you?” Finn sighed. He grabbed the funfetti out of the fridge and locked himself up in his bedroom. Great, that got him thinking about Poe all over again. It was getting to be a problem. He was in desperate need of something to distract himself, but what?

A wish list. Finn had never made one of those before. Wanting something had never been an option, really. All he knew was what he didn't want. He didn't want to end up like the people he had grown up with. Awful people who saw the world through narrowed eyes, looking for something to hate. Finn had escaped, but it had all stayed with him, digging its claws into his brain, hissing in his ear that he was a mistake, that he’d burn in hell because of what he was. In short: not nice.

He ripped a page out of his sketchbook and sat down on the creaky hardwood floor, letting the radiator purr against his back. Wishes danced in his head while he spun an orange pen between his fingers. Now, what did he want?

Money? That was only inviting trouble. Fame? No chance of that ever happening. Finn's eyes rested on the jacket slung over his chair and the pencil paused, poised on the pad of his thumb.

Love?

No. Finn shook his head. Love would do him no good, no good at all.

You know what would be a great help, though? Being normal, not having to be so damn terrified of himself all the time. Nearly everyone he knew could do it, after all. Finn rested against the radiator and closed his eyes. He couldn’t help but stare whenever he saw two girls kiss, or noticed a couple guys walking down the street, arm and arm. He could have that, nothing was stopping him. And was that really too much to ask?

Well, maybe. Finn pushed up the window and stuck his head out, listening to the cars honking below and the pigeons fluttering overhead. Rey was howling in the other room, Muffin squeaking along with a baby howl of his own. But all that noise couldn’t drown out the thoughts whizzing by in Finn’s head. He didn’t have a shot with Poe. Or maybe he did. That smile on Poe’s face this morning, hazy in the morning mist, it had only gotten wider after Finn kissed him. Why was that?

With that question grating on the brain Finn snapped the window shut and threw himself onto his bed. Fuck it. Wishes and self reflection were overrated.


	5. Chapter 5

The very next week Finn marched straight up to the bakery, intent on getting to the bottom of this. Unfortunately, something came up that threw a wrench in all that.

Blue was barking, which would be strange in itself. But it caught Finn's attention because there was something urgent, hell, downright scared in those noises. He ran around to the back and knocked on the kitchen door, unease prickling in his fingers.

“Poe?” A heavy thud and another bark made him jump. What the hell was going on in there? Finn rapped on the door again but no one came to answer. So he stepped back and groaned, hopping up and down, trying to psyche himself up a little.

"Oh, geez, Poe I am so sorry..."

The door clattered off of the hinges with a bang, Finn stumbling after it in a cloud of sawdust. Kicking down doors always made him feel like an asshole. At least it was justified. Blue trotted up and led him to the kitchen, where Poe was curled up on the tiles, biting down on his knuckles and gasping from high in his lungs. Blue was nosing at his neck and music was playing in the background, but Poe just lay there, still as stone. Finn switched off the radio and knelt where Poe would see him if he lifted his head. Whatever he had just heard really wasn't doing it for him.

"Poe? It's Finn. Can you hear me?" Poe jerked his head _yes_ before everything clenched up again. "Great. Let's sit you up. How's that sound? We'll try and slow your heart down." As he guided him upright Finn wrapped an arm loosely around Poe's chest, letting the pressure of his hand guide his breathing. "Match up with me, got that? In and out."

"I can't-" Poe twitched, staring at the white ridges of his knuckles. "Fuck. I can't-"

"There's not enough blood getting to your hands. That's why you can't feel them." Finn squeezed Poe's wrist after checking his pulse again. He may be a complete mess when it came to relationships, but medical emergencies? Those he could deal with. "What's going on?"

"Aman, she's...she's dying. It's my fault that she's dying." Finn rested his forehead against Poe's burning neck, hand moving over his stomach and chest while he stuttered and shivered. "I should've watched her. She thought it was a care package. She thought..."

"Easy now. It's alright. I gotcha." Finn took Poe's other hand, massaging feeling back into his frigid fingers. His nails had left deep crescents in the skin, and as the blood started moving again they turned red, started to bleed a little bit. “There we go. You're safe, Poe."

"She's not." Poe insisted. "It blew up. In her hands, it blew up. I wanted to bring her back to base. But I couldn't move. I couldn't do anything. Pieces, Finn. She's nothing but pieces." Finn's fingers brushed against Poe's knee and Poe took a deep breath. "I am, too."

"That was all a long time ago. That’s not gonna happen, here.” Finn soothed. "That was a long time ago."

"Yeah. Yeah, I guess it was..." Poe mumbled after awhile. The trembling in his arms slowed down a bit, but he still wouldn't look at Finn. "She was supposed to turn twenty-one today. She was supposed to be here. She..." Poe's voice snapped off in a sob and he slumped against Finn's chest. “It's my fault she's dead, isn't it?”

"It's not your fault, Poe."

"You weren't there. You don't know that."

"No, but I know you." Blue tunnelled into Poe's arms and he buried his face in her fur. “I know you did everything could.”

"There's a lot you don't know about me." Poe mumbled.

“Tell me, if you like.” Honestly, Finn didn’t expect Poe to take him up on that. He squirmed nervously and Finn loosened his grip, but instead of pulling away Poe turned and buried his face in Finn's collar, his tears warm on Finn's neck and Blue a squirming lump between them.

“You don’t wanna listen to a crazy old man…”

“Try me.”

So for the next little while Finn kept his mouth shut, asking questions whenever he felt he should. The more Poe talked, the more he came back to life. His hands started moving with his words, and words jumped and tumbled out of his mouth, weaving stories Finn knew hadn't been shared before. Little things, like how they slept under Humvees during the invasion and set up the base in some upscale officer's barracks, with a movie theatre and everything. Big things, like how one guy turned on the platoon during a patrol, killing six before Poe shot him in the head.

"I couldn't radio for help, after that. It was during a strike so our resources were spread out enough as it was. Had to walk back to HQ on my own. Came across the kids in a bombed-out convenience store." Poe sighed. Blue was sweeping the apartment, Finn and Poe waiting at the bottom of the stairs for her to bark the all clear. "Aman was living off of chips and pops, gave melted ice cream to her brother because they didn't have any milk."

“Resourceful. You okay talking about this?" Finn asked. Poe grinned and shrugged, squishing his cheek up against the banister.

"Yeah, weirdly. You okay listening?"   

“‘Course.”

So the conversation moved to the kids, Aman loved the strawberry Pop-tarts in U.S rations. Her little brother had the prettiest eyes Poe had ever seen. She was killed by an IED only a few blocks away from the compound where they would have been safe, where Poe had just radioed for them to prepare a few extra plates for her and her brother. All the stories, the good, bad, everything. And one of the good things was that her little brother, Iyas, he survived.

"A nice family took him in. Canadians. The mom's Azeri, though. Like him. Taught him Azerbaijani as well as English. All worked out in the end. They send letters." Poe added, scrambling to the bedside table and pulling open a drawer. "Never emails. Iyas always sends along a package or something, too. He seems to think I'm still in a war zone." He plonked a cardboard box on the bed and pulled out a pair of thick woolen socks as proof. "He's gonna be twelve soon. There's talk of him coming to visit next year."

"That should be fun." Somewhere along the line they had wound up in Poe's bedroom. Finn wasn't complaining, especially not while wrapped up in one of Poe's patchwork quilts and gnawing on a peanut butter cookie. "Feel any better?"

"Yeah." Poe pulled a stuffed moose out of the box and sighed. ”It's usually not that bad, the flashbacks. Haven't had one like that in ages. Dunno what brought it on..."

"You gonna be okay, tonight?" It took a long time for Poe to nod, and even then it was like he was asking a question. Lying really was hard for him. "You're sure?"

"Can you..." Poe squeezed the moose a little tighter and closed his eyes. "Can you maybe stay? Usually Blue's enough, but I think, tonight..." he trailed off and Finn grinned at him.

“Where d’you want me?”

 

\---------------

 

Finn set himself down in bed with his laptop, listening to Poe brushing his teeth down the hall. This certainly was a development. Of course, they were both fully clothed and Finn had no intention of inciting anything, but the butterflies in his stomach didn’t know that. Rey finally came online and he jumped on her, because who knows when she would log in again.

_Staying at Poe's. Don't wait up._

_\- ;)_

_Shut up_

__-;))_ _

_?_

_\- It's a double winky face_

_It's just a winky face with a double chin_

_\- don't be rude to it. Nighty-night._

_Give Muffin a kiss for me_

Finn signed off and opened an RPG, this 8-bit looking thing Rey had recommended awhile back. The bed dipped as Poe crawled in beside him, hair still wet from his shower and leg leaned up against the nightstand. “Will you be able to sleep with this light?”

“It’ll probably help, to be honest with you. But aren’t you gonna sleep?”

"I'm in the middle of a redemption run. You go ahead." When Poe didn't react Finn took his hand and squeezed. "I'm not going anywhere."

“Okay.” Poe breathed. Then he screwed up his face and poked Finn's side. “You’re gonna ruin your ears with those headphones, buddy. Take ‘em out, if you like.”

“You’re sure?”

“Yeah. Listening to music sometimes helps, actually...” And they weren’t about to turn the radio on again, not after that earlier fiasco.

“Alright, gimme a minute, though. Klaxon’s not relaxing…” While Poe settled down Finn flipped through his playlists, skipping past The Killers and Arcade Fire, trying to find that Muse album he downloaded ages ago. The first chords of _Unintended_ played right about the time Poe's head finally settled on the pillows. Finn waved a hand in front of his face and grinned. Out like a light. So miracles do happen.

The snow turned from sleet to hail to snow again, spiralling as the night wore on. Finn's brain was swirling just as quickly. After giving up on a boss battle he did some digging, figuring it would do him good to know what led up to all this. It took about two clicks for him to find out. Apparently some asshole had planted bombs outside a middle school and called it in. The cops must have broadcast a warning over the radio, set Poe off, poor guy. Turns out it was nothing but a sick prank. Finn's lip twisted in disgust and he pushed his laptop away. He just didn't understand what drove people to do the things they did, sometimes.

Just as Finn felt his eyes beginning to droop Poe thrashed, crying out in his sleep and nearly jackknifing off of the bed. Finn caught him before he could topple onto the floor in the tangled sheets. His eyes were wild, a deer in the headlights if Finn had ever seen one.

"Iyas. Where's-" Finn loosened his grip, let Poe get his bearings as Blue hopped up and licked at his face. "Where..."

"He's safe. He's up in Canada, remember? He's got a family. You're in New York. You're alright."

Scared and confused, maybe, but alright. Poe nodded and curled up again, breath coming a little shaky. On impulse Finn leant down and kissed him on the forehead. Stupid move, but that seemed to calm him down more than anything else had. The bed creaked as Poe relaxed into the pillows and let Finn trail his lips down the bridge of his nose, very nearly reaching his mouth.

"It's alright, Poe. You're alright, I promise." Finn wrapped his arms around Poe and held him close, whispering into his hair. "I won't let anything happen to you. I promise I won't let anything happen to you."

"Finn?”

“Yeah.”

“I'm still dreaming, aren't I?" Poe mumbled, one eye very nearly open. Finn opened his mouth, something like a confession ready on his lips. What was the harm in admitting what he felt? But then his heart seized up in his chest and he pulled away, suddenly terrified of the guy beside him, of the impact his words could have.

"Yeah." he lied as Poe's eyes fluttered shut again. "Still dreaming."


	6. Chapter 6

Finn woke up to an empty bed, the noise of pots and pans being banged around downstairs. It was disorienting, at first, then Finn saw the goofy toy moose sitting on the bedside table and he smiled. Right, now he remembered where he was. What he didn’t remember all that clearly was last night. All he had were snippets. The thud of snow on the windowsill, Poe’s breathing warm against his neck. And if Finn was honest with himself, the feeling of scratchy skin against his lips and the taste of tears on his tongue.

Then again, those last two were probably just his imagination.

Sighing, Finn ran his fingers through his hair and tried to put it all out of his mind. His mood lightened a bit when he heard Blue's paws padding across the bedroom floor before Poe ventured inside, a grin on his tired face.

"I was wondering where you were. When'd you get up?" Finn yawned.

"Five, I'd say. Doesn't sound like much, but for me that's a miracle." Poe rubbed the back of his neck and managed a smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes. "Thanks for sticking around."

"Not like it's a hardship. You have a really comfy bed." Finn mumbled into his pillow. Yes, his pillow. It was his now. "I might just lie in."

"Oh yeah? Feel free." There was a note in Poe's voice that Finn was too sleepy to dissect right now. He could over-analyze it later. "Stay all day, if you want.”

“You’re a saint.” Finn curled up tighter and closed his eyes, but not before watching Poe walk back down the hall, singing and shifting his hips along with a Spice Girls song playing on the radio. That butt sure was distracting. Finn bit down on his lower lip and pulled a blanket over his head. Oh, man. Since when did he start thinking stuff like that?

Okay, since awhile ago, but usually he nipped the thoughts in the bud. Not just with Poe. Anyone, really. A cute guy walked by and Finn looked away. A pretty girl smiled at him on the bus and Finn would get off on the next stop even if he was across town from where he should be. He took every precaution to not get involved, and now here he was lying in someone else's bed, his clothes slung over the back of a chair and Poe's cologne still hanging in the air. Well, this was a conundrum.

 

\----------------

 

"Wait just a minute, since when did you draw?"

"You want an exact date?" Finn looked up from the table he was wiping and grinned at Poe, who was staring reverently at this sketch of Blue that Finn had scribbled out on the back of a napkin and forgotten by the cash register. “You wanna keep it?”

“I wanna fucking _treasure_ it. One sec.”

Still smiling, Poe dashed back upstairs, Blue hopping along at his heels. Finn rolled his eyes and went back to putting chairs up. He had stuck around at the bakery all day, figuring there was no better way to spend his time off than putting up holiday decorations and licking the bowls of cookie dough Poe occasionally handed to him. Besides, it was Rey’s day with Muffin. The two of them had outlined the joint custody agreement a few days ago over a tub of ice cream and Degrassi. There was still some stuff to iron out in one of the clauses, but aside from that everything was settled. Conveniently, Finn didn’t have to be a parent today.

While he swept up, Finn noticed that Poe had left one of his novels lying on the coffee table with a teaspoon marking his place. There were two pages left. Curiosity got the best of him and he picked it up, Poe’s uneven step creaking on the floorboards above his head. Might as well give it a read, warn Poe if the payoff was no good. 

_"Vallerie, I must know this." Phillip cried out very passionately. His rough hands cupped Vallerie's childish fingers and he looked deep into the purple depths of her starry irises. "Is the babe my own?"_

_"Yes, yes, Lord Philip, Philippette is your child!" Vallerie confessed, throwing herself down on the satin sheets with violent grace._

_"Why did you not tell me?" Phillip sobbed, joining her on the bed and caressing her beautiful, crying form. "Had I but known-"_

_"If you knew, I believed you would cast me out into the cold, cruel world, penniless and defiled as I was, a shameful blemish on your good name. It was wrong of me, to want so badly to bear your child. It was a shameful, shameful thing, to have allowed you into my bed with me, give to you my purity when it was all I had." Vallerie's tears spilled down onto her ample bosoms, cradled in the snow-white skin._

_"Then I will make it right!" Phillip pulled a beautiful, glittering ring out of his pocket and held it out to Vallerie, who gasped. "Marry me, Vallerie!"_

_"But...but Lord Phillip! You are already married!"_

_"Lady Gretchen was struck by a carriage last night, and now I am free of that tyrannical bitch's ways. You will be my wife, and Philipette will not be the daughter of a whore, but rather a child of royalty."_

_"Marrying you is all I ever dreamed of doing." Vallerie confessed. Phillip seized her by the rosy lips in a most passionate and meaningful kiss, and with that the two of them began their life together as husband and wife._

"Yeesh." Finn wrinkled up his nose and flipped through the coffee stained pages. Poe really didn't take care of his stuff, or himself, half the time. Finn glanced up at the ceiling, listening to Poe make his way back over to the staircase. He reappeared with the drawing all done up in a little wooden picture frame, pretty pleased with himself, from the smile on his face.

“Had to dig through some boxes, but I think this’ll do.” After setting the frame on the crowded mantlepiece Poe glanced at the novel in Finn's hand and his face dropped about a foot. "Oh, please tell me you didn't read that."

"Sorry to disappoint." 

"It's a bad habit, I guess. Reading that stuff." Poe admitted, rocking back and forth on his heels. "I know the writing's awful and the characters suck, but there's always a happy ending, y'know? The bad guy loses, the good guy wins..." Poe noticed Finn smirking at him and rolled his eyes. "I can't believe you have me defending the shit I read." 

"At least you're not like this guy at work. He looks up Sparknotes summaries and then pretends he read stuff like Don Quixote."  

"What?" 

"My point exactly." That was just another thing that Finn liked about Poe. The guy knew he didn't know everything, and he didn't particularly care. 

Once the place was cleaned up Poe flipped the sign to _Closed_ and they crashed in the living room with some stale cookies, Blue, and a movie. Now this wasn’t such a bad way to end things, Finn had to say. Especially when he and Poe wound up wrapped in the same blanket, Poe curled up comfortably against Finn's chest and Finn with his nose buried in Poe's curls.

Finn's stance on cuddling - platonic or otherwise - was that it was a basic human need, right up there with food and clothing. Surprise, surprise, Poe turned out to be a complete spider monkey. Ideal movie marathon buddies, really. They were working their way through some ye olde Disney movies when Poe started to squirm.

"You're playing a dangerous game, here..." Finn warned when Poe came a bit to close to kneeing him below the belt. "Just enjoy the movie, would you? There's a hundred and one dogs. You love dogs."

"Yeah, but don't you think it's weird that you can sorta see the pencil, still? It's like they stopped production halfway through."

"I like seeing the lines. It's stylistic. Y'know they used Xerox to make the cells? And the linework was really new for the time. Based it off some British dude. The backgrounds were new, too. See what they did was..." Poe laughed and Finn held down the rest of his spiel. He could go on for hours about this stuff. Just ask Rey. "Whoops. Rambling. I'll shut up, now."

"Nah, don't do that. Hey, you ever considered going for animation? I think you’d be good at it.” 

“Sure, when I was a kid. But we all wished for crazy stuff." Like parents. Or a respectable sexuality. "I'd've had to become a stripper if I wanted to put myself through school..." 

“Fair enough.” Something occurred to Poe and he punched Finn’s arm. “Hey, can you do me? I always wanted a tattoo.”

“Oh, _that’s_ what you meant.” Finn coughed as he jumped to his feet. His heart was still trying to recover from the first part of that sentence. After digging a white sharpie out of his bag he sat back down and pulled Poe's leg into his lap, making him smile. "You're sure I can draw on this, right?"

"I don't see why not." With Poe's blessing Finn rolled his sweats up to his knee, chewing the inside of his cheek while he traced lines on the aluminum with his fingertips. "Well, go on."

"You can't rush art, jackass. Gimme a second." Finn shoved a cookie into Poe's mouth, so he really had no choice but to pipe down. For once Poe wasn't about to protest. Not with Finn's hands on him, not with the warmth of another person at his side. So he just sat, hummed, watched Finn work with an almost surgical precision. In twenty minutes time there was a delicate pattern of vines twirling and spiralling up his calf, flowers blooming on his ankle and knee. Finn gave one of the leaves a tentative rub, and when it didn't smear he nodded in satisfaction.

"I think that should do it. For now, at least." Finn watched anxiously as Poe inspected the design, his forehead all creased up. "Do you like it?"

"It's incredible, Finn. Really fucking incredible. Damn. I might start wearing shorts, show this off a bit. You should do this for a living, buddy. Make yourself some pocket money…”

“Prosthetic painting? That sure sounds like steady income.” Finn laughed. Poe slung his other leg over Finn’s lap and grinned back. His whole face lit up, which Finn took as a good sign. “You feeling any better?"

"Yeah. Thanks to you. Gonna call up the psyche tomorrow, like you said."

"Great. I’ll go with you, if you need it.”

“You’d do that?” Poe’s voice went quiet and he ducked his head. “Huh. Wow. Really?”

“Yeah?” Finn propped his elbows up on Poe’s knees and smiled. “What’re friends for?”

“Driving you home when you’re tipsy, in my experience.”

“Is that really all I mean to you?” Finn laughed. Then he sighed, rocking Poe’s legs back and forth. "Hey, I was thinking, maybe, only if you didn't have anything else planned..." After mulling it over for what had to be the twelfth time he tapped Poe’s metal knee and took a deep breath.

"Spend Christmas Eve with me?"

"That..." Poe blinked and looked back down at the swirls on his leg, trying to hide his blush. "That sounds nice."

"Really? I mean, don't expect much. It’s just my roommate and me and Muffin, but we’re gonna try and make mashed potatoes and turkey and we’re probably gonna burn down the place…” Finn trailed off and Poe laughed. “Is that a yes?”

“I guess it is. Besides, you kids need someone to supervise you in the kitchen. I think I’m qualified.”

“Thanks, old man. I was wondering, what d’you usually do during the holidays?”

“Stay in. Put on _Frosty the Snowman_ or something. Hot chocolate.”

“You’re outta control, Dameron.” Finn laughed. He glanced back at the TV and started. They had chattered through the last half hour. “Huh. Wonder how that ended. What next? Your turn to choose.”

“ _Singin’ in the Rain_?” Poe said, a tentative edge in his voice. “I like sappy stuff.”

"I think we've established that." Finn nodded at the coffee table, indicating the romance novel and battered box of old movies Poe had dug out of his storage closet. He couldn't believe that there were actual, functional VHS tapes in there. Talk about throwback. Most of them were dancing movies that were old before VHS even existed. _Top Hat, An American in Paris, Lady Be Good._  Poe noticed Finn looking and sighed.

“I danced, when I was younger. Haven’t done it in ages.” he added, glancing down at his prosthetic as he got up. He stuck the tape in and watched the picture blink into focus, Gene Kelly splashing around in the pouring rain with a big smile on his face. "How about you?"

"I can do the Macarena, on a good day." Finn bit down on his lower lip, swaying along with the music. "I always wanted to try, though. Actual dancing."

"It's not hard. I could show you." Poe offered.

"I can't dance, Poe."

"Don't say that. Look at me. If I can dance, you can dance." Poe declared, pulling Finn to his feet. 

A nice idea in theory, but Finn was really testing the limits of it. After half an hour of tripping and stumbling and trying to follow along with whatever the hell Poe was doing with his feet, Finn was about ready to give up. Good thing Poe was incredibly stubborn.

“No, buddy, like this.” Grinning, Poe took Finn by the hand and led him around the room in a slow foxtrot, laughing when Finn started counting out loud, trying to keep in time and failing miserably. “I guess you keep all your coordination in your hands, huh?” 

“Fuck, Poe I told you I can’t-” Finn tripped on Poe’s foot, and since Poe couldn't feel it they both wound up toppling backwards onto the couch. They were both laughing on impact, but when Finn looked down Poe’s face was all twisted up and there were tears forming in the corner of his eyes. "Wait, Poe, are you okay? What happened?"

“You kneed me in the crotch, you son of a bitch...” Poe groaned as he flopped down onto the cushions and pulled Blue in close.  

“Oh. Shit.” Finn almost offered to kiss it better, biting back the impulse just in time. “Sorry about that.”

“Fuck you, man. Wait, you’re a medic, aren’t you? Fix it.”

“How the fuck do I fix your dick? I mean, you could ice it, but-”

“No way in fucking hell.”

“Then you’ll just have to wait it out.” Finn tried his best not to grin, watching Poe curl up on the couch in a sad little ball. “Lie flat on your back. Helps the blood flow get back to normal.”

“Hmph. If I can’t have kids it’s on you, pal.”

“Since when did you plan on having kids?”

“I dunno. But it was nice knowing that I had the option…” Finn shook his head and wandered over to the kitchen with a laugh. "Hey, comfort me, you motherfucker."

"I'm trying. Gimme a sec." A few minutes later Finn came back with the last of the cookies and some hot chocolate he had managed to throw together after some fumbling in the cupboards. "It won't hold a candle to yours, but I tried." Poe took a sip and smiled when Finn sat down beside him. “We still friends?”

“Still friends.” Poe promised, burrowing back into Finn's arms. That was good to hear.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> guess you could call this a fluffy interlude


	7. Chapter 7

"It's a mixtape." Rey sang, skipping into Finn's bedroom with Muffin under her arm. Finn rolled his eyes and threw an Oreo at her, but she caught it in her mouth and flopped down on the bed beside him, laughing. "Well, that just confirms it."

“Get your head outta the gutter. This just seemed like a better idea than having the radio on. I don't want the man to have another panic attack..." Or have to kick down anymore doors. Poe hadn't let Finn pay a penny for the last one. He had been understandably tentative to turn the radio on when Finn left the bakery a few hours ago, which was too bad because Finn knew how much he liked listening to music.

"So you're making him a mixtape." Rey plucked the headphones off of Finn's head and slipped them on, humming along as _Cryin’_ slid seamlessly into a Bonnie Tyler song. “Hey, there's beat matching. You don't do that for just anybody, now do you? So what exactly is the situation with the muffin man?”

“The muffin ma- no, y’know what, I’m not gonna walk into that joke. We're not a thing, alright? I just invited him over for Christmas.” Finn insisted, keeping his gaze locked on his computer screen. A triumphant smile spread across Rey’s face and Finn rolled his eyes, tying to focus. Something told him that Poe would want Danger Zone at least twice on the tape. “Fuck off. You invite anybody?”

“My family. I sent a letter.” Rey pressed a kiss to Muffin’s forehead and shot a hopeful smile at Finn. “Maybe they’re gonna turn up, this year.”

“Yeah, maybe.” Finn agreed, knowing that arguing with her wouldn’t do any good.

Rey had been dumped in a doorway at two months old, wrapped in a ratty towel and clutching a cheap locket in her chubby little fist. There was an address etched inside the locket, some place in Arizona, and even though Rey’s caseworker had tried to convince her that it wasn’t real, Rey sent a letter every year during the holidays, assuring them that she was okay, inviting them over for Christmas. Fourteen letters later, and Rey still hadn’t given up hope.

The closest thing she had to a home was her last foster family, an eccentric patchwork of pilots and politicians and mechanics. The Solos had lost their son in Iraq, and the empty rooms of their Long Island farmhouse had to be filled somehow. When Rey aged out of the system they had kept in contact, set her up with a job at her foster uncle's car garage. Luke didn't spend all that much time there, though. Occasionally he would pop up, fix something, and then vanish back to God knows where. Rey and Finn had a couple theories, but they were too scared to investigate any of them.

"Hey, why don't you invite the Solos? They're pretty fond of you."

"Nah, they've probably got stuff planned." she sighed. Muffin scrambled out of Rey's arms and curled up on Finn's stomach with a happy squeak. "I don't want to bother them. Did you take Muffin for a walk, yet?"

“Nope. It's your turn.” Finn grunted as Muffin started to scratch at his chest, trying to dig a hole. 

"But I covered for you a few days back."

"That's 'cause I was delivering someone's baby. That seems like a fucking legitimate excuse."

"Still an excuse."  

"Fuck you..."

"Love you too, bestie."

 

\----------

 

Once Muffin was all tuckered out from about ten minutes of waddling, Finn scooped him up and made his way over to the library. It wasn’t crowded, seeing as it was a Friday night and all. After making sure that the librarian was paying him no attention Finn slipped Muffin into his backpack and curled up in a corner with an Eisner comic. He was enjoying himself well enough when all of a sudden a sense of unease prickled up his spine. Tentative, he peered over the edge of his book and a woman in a puffy blue jacket caught his eye. Unfortunately, he recognised her. Something told him that his evening was about to go very downhill.

"Hold on, is that Finn?" A smile spread across her face and Finn gulped, finding himself trapped.

"Hi, Sarah." he mumbled, getting to his feet. Meeting old classmates was the worst. At least Sarah wasn't quite as bad as the rest of them. The last time they had spoken had been what, ninth grade? She had moved a couple towns over in grade ten, so all the gay drama had gone right over her head. Looks like she was still out of the loop. "It's been awhile."

"Too long. How've you been? Oh, Slip hasn't seen you in ages. I bet he'll be thrilled. I'll go get him." 

"Wait, what? No, that's alright, I-" But before Finn could protest Sarah was back, arm linked up with a guy Finn could reasonably assume was Slip. They looked at each other while Sarah prattled on, completely oblivious as to what she had brought about.

"...And you were so close back in school, weren't you, dear? Oh, Slip and I are on our honeymoon." she added, smiling at Finn. "Christmas in New York is so romantic, isn't it? We're checking out all the landmarks. I'm just going to check out these books. Be back in a minute."

With that she rushed off, leaving the two of them in what had to be the most awkward situation of Finn's life. And his life had been chock-full of those. As the silence dragged on Finn shuffled back and forth, trying to figure out something to say.

"Sarah, huh?" he ventured quietly. 

"Yeah." Slip grumbled. He had the rasping voice of someone who smoked two packs a day, a hairline that was already starting to recede. Considering the fact that he was the same age as Finn, that came as a surprise. He leant against a bookshelf and rubbed his forehead. "I hope you know that this was all your fault." 

A sudden jolt of anger tugged at the pit of Finn's stomach, hot and indignant. "Was it? I wasn't the one who sent you to fucking conversion camp..."

"I'm not talking about that. That was my decision. I'm talking about you convincing me that I was as fucked up as you are. You're still a fag, huh?"

"Someone's bitter." Finn crossed his arms, looking anywhere but Slip. "And I've got nothing to apologise for."

"Don't you dare say that to me." Slip growled. The way he looked at Finn, it was like he was tensing himself for a shock or a blow, like he thought Finn would hurt him. "It wasn't right, what we did. You know it wasn't right."

"I don't think you and me were the problem." Finn's eyes rested on the burn scars on Slip's wrist and he felt his blood run cold. Whatever they had done to Slip, whatever they had made him believe with their needles and mind games and brainwashing, it had worked, and the guy Finn had grown up with was never coming back. "You're in denial, y'know that, right?" 

"I'm not in denial. I'm happy." Sure didn't look it, with his face going red and a vein throbbing in his neck. "I'm married. I've got a normal life. What've you got?" 

"A boyfriend I actually want to have sex with." Finn blurted out. Watching Slip's lip tighten was satisfying, but the lie grated on him a little bit. Especially considering the actual situation he was dealing with. But it sure had an effect on Slip.

“Christ, it's like you want to go to hell...” he groaned. "Look, all I'm asking is for you to be sorry for what you did. That's it. I'm not asking you to change. It's your choice if you don't want to get better. But you know you're doing the wrong thing but you're too proud to fucking admit it and-"

"Let's get one thing straight." Finn interrupted. Wow, great word choice. "What happened to you was wrong. The way they treated us was wrong. But nothing is wrong with me. Nothing." Finn's voice dropped and he swallowed. "Nothing's wrong with you, either."

They scowled at each other, eyes hard and pleading, respectively. Through it all Finn could still feel Slip's hair under his fingers, smell the leather and gasoline of that old pickup, taste the pilfered liquor on his lips. At seventeen they had been so sure of themselves, of what they felt. So growing up didn't give you all the answers it had promised it would. When it became obvious that neither of them was about to back down Slip shook his head, resigned.

"You chose this. I hope you know that." he growled as he stalked off, the wood creaking under his feet. Finn slumped back against the shelf with a shudder as Slip walked away with his wife. They really were a happy pair, from the sound of it.

"For Christ's sake, Sarah, why did you point him out?"

"What? I thought you would..."

"How many times have I told you to just keep your mouth shut? It's none of your goddamned business."

"I just thought..."

When their voices had faded into the library's quiet lull Finn crept back into the sitting area, but turns out his problems were only beginning. His bag was lying on the floor by the chair, empty. Feeling like he had been dashed with cold water, Finn dropped to his knees and looked under the shelves, the table, praying he would catch a glimpse of black fur or a wagging tail. When his search came up with nothing but dust bunnies and spare change Finn hopped to his feet and ran, ignoring a sour look from the librarian as he burst into the street. 

"Muffin?" Finn called, his breath foggy in the cold air. "C'mon out, boy, c'mon..."

But as Finn looked around he realised his search was hopeless. Something that small had no chance out here. Trembling, Finn dropped down onto the steps, let his imagination carry him off. The little guy would get run over or freeze or starve and it was all Finn's fault and-

"You looking for this?" 

Finn blinked and turned, hoping he didn't look as bad as he felt. Of all people, Poe was standing behind him with Blue at his side and a squirming little Rottweiler in his arms. Muffin was still trying his best to escape, the rascal.

"Where'd you..." The words died on his lips as Poe handed Muffin over. He was brazenly holding a couple more romance novels under his arm, the receipt sticking out of one of them like a bookmarker. Two steps out of the library and he was already halfway through.

"He was harassing the pigeons. Couldn't let that continue."

"Thanks..." Finn mumbled.

"No worries. You alright?" Finn nodded just a bit too quickly, holding Muffin tighter than he should. Poe wasn't buying it. "Don't gimme that. I know what alright looks like, and you ain't it. What's up?"

"Bad day." Finn said vaguely. 

"Figured. Hey, don't take this the wrong way, but you're not looking so hot. I'll walk you home, c'mon." Poe offered a hand and pulled Finn up, but something occurred to him as he looked around in vague confusion. So much for chivalry. “Wait, where the hell d’you live?”

Finn managed a laugh and tugged Poe down the sidewalk. “Literally three blocks away from you, actually. I can’t believe I never noticed. You ever get that? Like you’ll know two streets really well, but you never connected them in your brain?” Poe cocked an eyebrow and Finn shook his head, looking up at the flashing crossing light. "Never mind..."

“No, no, I see what you’re getting at.” Poe laughed, skipping a little ahead of Finn with Blue dancing around his ankles. For a guy in his thirties he was pretty hyper, sometimes. The walk passed pretty quick, what with Muffin squirming in his arms and Poe being ridiculous. Finn was already starting to feel better.  

“Now you’re just humouring me.” Finn grabbed Poe by the scruff of his neck and yanked him back when he nearly ran past the apartment. “You wanna come up? Weather's looking kinda iffy."

"Prep's done for tomorrow, so I might just take you up for that." Poe laughed, watching Finn dig around in his pockets for his keys. "But won't your roomie be scandalised?"

"Why would you even ask that..."

"Well, you bringing home a handsome guy like me is bound to raise some questions."  

"I'm kicking you out." 

"We're not even inside yet." Poe pointed out. Laughing, Finn yanked the door open and darted inside before Poe could react. Conveniently, the drizzle that had been hanging around all day decided to get serious, dousing Poe in a sudden downpour. "Aw, c'mon!"

"What was that?" Finn pressed his ear to the glass door, grinning while Poe cowered under the narrow awning. "Can't hear you with the rain."

Poe screwed up his face and wrote _Fuck You_ on the frost on the glass, sticking his tongue out at Finn. Y'know what? Maybe today wasn't that bad after all.

  

\-----------

 

While Finn ran around his bedroom throwing things into his closet and shoving clothes into the laundry hamper Poe kicked off his shoes and flopped down in the middle of the bed, listening to the traffic outside, the honking and yelling that never stopped in this city. Noise was good, sometimes. Noise meant that stuff was happening, that the world was still chugging comfortably along. Add that to the dogs curled up in his lap and the jar of funfetti that Finn had given him and Poe was calmer than he could remember himself being in a place that wasn't home. Finn wasn't quite as relaxed, though.

"You're gonna run yourself into the ground if you keep cleaning like that, buddy. Take a break already. You're the one who had the bad day, remember?" 

"Yeah, but..." Finn paused, a bunch of graphic t-shirts piled in his arms. All of his clothes were pretty bright, now that Poe thought about it. Poe felt he'd get a seizure just looking at him, some days.

"I'm not gonna have a panic attack because you left a sock on the floor. And besides, my leg could use a touch-up." Poe cajoled. Drawing seemed to calm Finn down more than anything else. Poe could watch him sketch for hours. No, wait, that sounded incredibly creepy. Scratch that thought. "Take it easy, for once in your life..." 

"Fine..." Sighing, Finn flopped down beside Poe and dug a white sharpie out of a jar while Poe worked his leg off. The rain had soaked through his jeans and sort of fucked with the design a little bit. Hopefully Finn could whip it back into shape. After a couple minutes just watching him Poe stretched and yawned, scratching Muffin's neck. Finn still looked a little bit down. Might want to look into that.

"So what happened, buddy? I mean, if you're okay talking about it." 

"Nothing. It was stupid. It's just...I met a guy from school, in the library." While he spoke Finn kept his eyes on Poe's leg, carefully retracing a flower that had started to fade. "Him and me, uh, in high school, we were sorta..." Finn glanced at him and Poe nodded, understanding what Finn couldn't quite bring himself to say. "So, yeah. The two of us, we got caught. I just got in shit for it with the school, but his parents decided to 'help' him. Because they were nice like that. Started him on conversion therapy the week after grad. Today was the first I've seen of him since then."

"I take that it wasn't a happy reunion." Finn shook his head and tried his best to laugh. It sounded more like a sigh, though, even in his ears.  

"Nope. Even he thinks that I'm fucked up, now. That what we did wasn't right." Finn squeezed his eyes shut and took a deep breath, trying to sort out what he wanted to say. "Why do people think it's a choice?"

"'Cause they're dumb." Poe provided as he scraped the bottom of the icing jar. 

"Insightful." Finn rolled his eyes and a tentative smirk tugged at his lips. "I mean, nobody decides who they like, right? That's why crushes are a problem."

"Big problem."

"Yeah, 'specially when I'm twice as likely to develop one. But the worst part's the way people think my head works. They know I can't turn it on and off, right? Seriously, it's like they think I can alternate days or something. _Well, it's Tuesday I'd better go suck some cock before I turn straight again_." Poe choked on his spoon and Finn jumped. "Whoops. Oversharing. Sorry."

"No, just..." Poe shook his head, a grin crinkling up his face. "You're hilarious, y'know that?"

"I didn't, actually. Thanks for pointing it out." Finn set Poe's leg aside and stretched out beside him, watched him fail at Crossy Road for a few minutes. This was nice, nicer than Finn cared to admit. "Man, I can't believe I told you all this..."

"Glad you did." Finn snorted and Poe wrapped an arm around him. "C'mon, I'm being honest. Bottling stuff up does no good." 

"We both excel at it, though."

"True. Not a great coping mechanism." Poe laughed. "This cuddling thing is way better." 

"Yep." Finn mumbled, snuggling closer with a little sigh. Poe was warm and smelled exactly like apple pie and rain. Weird combination, but it worked, somehow. It became pretty difficult to calm down when he realised that Poe's lips were right there, though. By all means, closing the gap would be the easiest thing to do right now. Instead, Finn just squeezed his eyes shut and nosed into Poe's neck. This was becoming a problem.


	8. Chapter 8

 Finn woke up with chapped lips pressed to his own, his fingers entwined with someone else's. Without a second thought he leant in, ghosting his free hand over Poe's rough cheek, pressing himself into him when he realised just how warm Poe was. This sure was a great dream. At least, that's what Finn thought. Then his eyes cleared and he nearly swore. Oh, somebody had royally fucked up.

Without thinking Finn yelped and shoved Poe back, wincing when he toppled out of bed. The books rattled on the shelves and Blue let out a startled bark, hopping out of bed to check on her owner. That would leave a bruise. As if Finn couldn't feel any worse about all this.

“What the fuck-” Poe rolled upright, his eyes going wide when he saw the bitemark he had left on Finn's lip and realised what had just happened. "Oh, God-"

“Shit, Poe, I’m-” 

"I'm sorry-"

“I didn’t-”

Cutting each other off and struggling for explanations wouldn’t do much good, but what else could they do?  Finn tried to get up, but his legs suddenly seemed way too heavy and his arms weren't working. The pulsating city lights slicing unevenly through the room were not helping him separate all this from a nightmare, a dream that he should be waking up from any moment now, any moment. But the moment never came. Within two minutes Poe and Blue were out of the room, Poe tripping over apologies and boxes the whole way. Finn let him leave, but hearing the front door slam shut just about killed him.

His fingers ached and he looked down to find he had been twisting the sheets hard enough to rip a hole in the corner. He gulped and rolled out of bed, scooping up Muffin and pacing the floor with him, wondering what the hell he was supposed to do next. After an hour of walking back and forth Finn snapped out of it and took a deep breath, feeling Muffin squirm in his arms. 

"You wanna go for a walk, Muffin? Let's go for a walk." he said suddenly. Staying in here would just drive him stir-crazy, and besides, he did not want to face Rey when she came home. "C'mon, I'll take you to Times Square. I don't think you've been yet. It'll be fun. Real fun."

Muffin huffed out a derisive snort and Finn sighed. Great. Even the dog knew he was full of shit.

 

\----------

 

Times Square were overpacked with jostling shoppers, their voices grating on Finn's ears. As he walked the noises and words melted together into static, fuzzy in the back of his head, dull and hollow, drowning out the panic Finn felt. But he couldn't ignore it forever. When his fingers started shaking he settled down on a stone bench with Muffin tucked under his jacket, watching the lights play on the passing traffic and nursing the nausea churning in his gut. He should have gone after Poe, he knew that. He also knew that this was far from an irreparable situation. But he couldn't bring himself to fix it, and that's what bothered him.  

Doing everything you could and not being able to change it, Finn could live with that. People died. Hearts stopped beating. You tried your best and now you move on. But giving up, turning away while there was still something to be done? Finn didn't have experience doing that, and it didn't sit well with him. But at the same time, he couldn’t figure out what he could do with this, how he could make anyone involved stop hurting.

There was a simple answer, of course. Talk it out. Come to an agreement over stale bread and mashed pies, ideally. They could fix this. Of course they could.

Finn tilted his head back and sighed, feeling the cold collect in his lungs. Simple, honest answers had never done much for him. Hiding and running and veiling himself on the other hand, that was how he had survived this long in the first place. Maybe he wasn't as okay with himself as he thought.

 Ironically enough, now that he didn’t have to hide, all he wanted was to curl up and disappear. All his life he had tried so hard to become someone else. Someone quiet and unassuming who got the job done and disappeared. Someone that nobody would miss, because he had never really been there. Somewhere along the line he must have lost himself under all those defences. Who knows how long it would take to dig up whatever was left in there. And then there was the question of whether or not looking was even worth it. 

"You getting cold?" Finn glanced down at his chest as Muffin snuggled in closer, his big eyes soft and pleading. "Yeah? Alright, let's get you home..."

While Finn trudged back he picked up on his train of thought again, his pace slowing down from the weight of it all. For the longest time he believed he was going to hell. He believed every word the clergy crammed down his throat. He was a deviant, a fuck up. Nobody who loved him really meant it. Their goal was to tear him down, make sure he hated who he was, what he felt.

Because if he hated himself, he could never love somebody else, now could he?

Finn looked up and sighed, his throat going all tight again. His feet had taken him down 46th, right onto Poe's doorstep, the fairy lights on the bakery awning twinkling in his eyes. How the hell did he always wind up here? Unable to resist, Finn peeked into the windows, wondering what he would see.

Poe was standing behind the counter as usual, sleeves rolled up to his elbows and hands occupied with arranging a cupcake display. He noticed Finn and ventured a wave, but Finn turned his eyes down, counting the snowflakes as they landed and died on the sidewalk. That quick glance had been enough to bring tears to his eyes, tears that he rubbed away with a jolt of rage. It would have been better if he had never let himself get involved, better if he had just kept to himself and never let another person in. Not Rey, not Poe, because he had tried that whole friendship thing and look where that got him.

What he needed right now was a plan. He needed space, he needed to think. He needed to get as far away from this city as he could on a paramedic's salary. While he'd been looking for a place to settle he had considered Chicago, Boston, Seattle, Pittsburgh, little red dots all over the map. Finn paused, remembering the little tag labelled Pittsburgh. Close enough to be reasonable, far enough for him to disappear. Yeah, Pittsburgh sounded good.

The sky swirled uneasily above him with clouds, grey and smothering. For a moment Finn wished they would just drop down, cover him up and let him drown. That would save him a whole lot of trouble. That would save him from having to leave behind the closest thing he had ever had to a home, letting whatever it was that he had here wither and die.

 

\--------------

 

The next day while Finn was packing Muffin waddled into his room smelling like the gingerbread Rey had just stuck in the oven. He hopped onto the bed and clambered into Finn's suitcase with a quiet yip, making a nest out of his ripped jeans and hoodies. Finn still hadn't worked out the whole winter wear thing. Hopefully it wasn't as cold in Pittsburgh. He probably should have searched that up, actually.  

"Hey, buddy, you're staying here, alright? You're keeping your mom company." Muffin cocked his head and Finn sighed. Who knew that puppies could give accusatory looks. "And don't tell her what I'm doing, please?"

Speak of the Devil, Rey poked her head into his room with tinsel in her hair and a smudge of icing on her cheek. Seems like she had taken a break from decorating evert square inch of the apartment. Holidays had to be her favourite thing in the world, now that she had people to spend them with. Finn's heart sank as he realised that he had booked his train out on Christmas Eve. Just thinking of Rey waking up to an empty apartment the next morning made his resolve shake a little bit. Too late to backtrack now, though.

"Where're you headed?" she asked.

“Nowhere.” Finn lied, twisting up a singlet and hoping this was the end of it. Unfortunately, Rey held up his train ticket to Pittsburgh and cocked her eyebrow. That fucking pickpocket. Finn let the spark of anger that ignited flare, because without that he would stand no chance against her. "Give that back."

"I don't think I want to. This look like nowhere to you? What the hell are you thinking?" she demanded. "What about work and-"

"I haven't quit yet. They're hiring in Pittsburgh. I figure I can transfer if I get the paperwork in. Just wanted to see what other opportunities are out there, y'know?"

"No. I don't. What's this really about?" Boy, was Rey stubborn. Finn threw his singlet onto the bed and rubbed his face, trying to come up with a feasible explanation.

"I just..." Rey raised an eyebrow expectantly and Finn sighed. "I have to leave."

"No you don't. Running away won't solve anything." she insisted. Finn grit his teeth and shook his head. He knew that. Fuck, of course he knew that. But it was his only option. At least, that's what he told himself.

"Neither will sticking around. I just fucked everything up, alright? There's nothing I can do to fix it. I dunno how to explain it, but I'm not... I'm not who people need me to be."

"Who's that?"

"I dunno." Finn admitted. "Fuck, I just don't know. I don't understand who I should be and I don't understand who I am and I don't understand who people think I am and I'm scared, Rey. I'm really fucking scared."

That was true, at least. Scared of himself, of trust, of the world itself, really. What with all its ups and downs and mad, pulsing life. Finn had thought he was ready to embrace it all, but it looks like he had overestimated himself. 

"You made me believe I was worth something, y'know that? Nobody's pulled something like that before. When we met, I..." Finn took a deep breath and dropped down onto the edge of his bed, feeling the little glimmer of hope Rey filled him with beginning to flicker. "I felt like I could do anything." 

Rey opened her mouth to say something, but then she seemed to realise that he was a bit beyond help, at this point. He could see it in the way her shoulders slumped, the twitch in her eyelashes that didn't mask the pain in her eyes. She was searching for something to say, searching for an argument.

"I don't want you to go." she said finally, in a broken voice that Finn had never heard before. "I don't..." 

Apologetic, Finn reached out and tried to rub the smudge on her cheek. She slunk away and pressed herself to the wall, arms tight over her chest and an impassive look on her face. The expression was well-worn, like a carefully constructed mask. How many times she had worn that look, Finn didn't know. It suddenly struck him that she was used to people leaving her. She was used to letting them go.

"Rey, I'll call and email and visit and..."

"I don't want you to visit. I want you to stay. Here. With me. I don't want to be by myself again. Don't leave me by myself."

“You’ll have Muffin.” Finn pointed out. Rey scowled at him, holding back tears, tears full of hurt and loneliness and betrayal and if Finn could pull her into his arms right now and say sorry he would do it in a heartbeat. But the only way he could help her was by leaving. The best thing he could do for the both of them was run away.

Right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for updating late! writing when you have a fever is hard


	9. Chapter 9

For a full minute when she got home from work, Rey was still looking forward to Christmas Eve. The lights on the tree were twinkling, Muffin was curled up on top of his present, it was snowing, and Rey even had her big red sweater on. What could possibly be missing?

Trying to ignore the obvious absentee she curled up on the couch with her one gift and the plate of gingerbread people she had left on the defunct fireplace, nibbling listlessly on a poor bastard's leg and staring at the Christmas tree. This all seemed extra sad with the place being actually decorated and everything. At least the tree was pretty. Rey smiled to herself, then the lights flickered and died. She cursed and tossed the paper plate of cookies onto the coffee table. It wasn't even worth getting up to fix it, though.

 “Merry fucking Christmas to me, I guess.” she grumbled as she unwrapped her gift. Finn had left it on the counter for her beside a pitcher of apology hot chocolate. It was perfectly packaged as usual, paper all smoothed out and tucked in with hospital corners. Gift wrapping made him weirdly happy. Fortunately, tearing apart all that hard work made Rey weirdly happy. They were the perfect pair, really.

After ripping open her gift Rey held it up to the light and sighed, watching the glass dance with swirls of colour. A fishbowl terrarium with a tiny little tree living in it. Finn must have noticed the way her eyes lit up when she saw these things hanging in stores or restaurants. He was always picking up on little things like that. Rey tried to smile, but she couldn’t help it when the tears started to come. And here she had been thinking that she was going to be spending Christmas with two whole people. That had gone exactly as planned. 

“Maybe my family’ll turn up.” she hoped, squeezing Muffin to her chest. "Maybe they got my letter. Maybe..."

Someone knocked on the front door and Rey jumped, nearly dropping Muffin. She scrambled across the room and wrenched the door open without checking who it was, Finn's name ready on her lips. 

“Miss Rey, how good it is to see you!” A familiar, vaguely stuffy voice gushed. Now that threw Rey off just a little. But that wasn't even the end of it.

“Why the hell d'you still call her Miss? You're a weird one, See. Hi, kid.” Han grumbled, jostling his way into the doorway. Most of his face was obscured by a scarf that Leia must have wrestled him into. If he had his way he would live in leather jackets and t-shirts. The man was basically a rebellious teenager. How old was he, again?

“You're…” Rey blinked and took a step back, just taking it all on. There was Leia, Han, Chewie, an old family friend named Art and his fussy husband who everyone just called See. To top it all off Luke was bringing up the back with a pair of antlers on his head and what looked to be a sword wrapped in Frosty the Snowman wrapping paper in his arms. Now this was confusing.

“What’re you guys doing here?”

“Drove over yesterday. Finn invited us.” Leia provided. "Didn't he tell you?"

“I say he forgot to buy her a gift and figured dragging us out here was just as good. So we coming in or what?” Han asked, trying to undo whatever the hell type of knot Leia had tied his scarf in. "Kid?"

Rey couldn't help it. Her lips started to tremble and she burst into tears, right there on the welcome mat with everyone looking. Leia was on her in a second, hugging her tight while discreetly directing the group around the apartment. Under her guidance gifts were placed, the fridge was stocked, and the fireplace was miraculously brought back to life, all before Rey lifted her head from the crook of Leia's neck. When she finally did Leia dabbed at her cheeks with the end of her scarf, tsking a little bit.

"What's wrong, Rey?" 

“I thought I was gonna be by myself again.” Rey mumbled. She wiped her nose with her sleeve, sheepishly accepting the tissue Leia offered. “I thought…”

“Good thing you were wrong, then. C’mon, sweetheart, let’s get you cleaned up.” Leia said briskly. Rey nodded and let herself be led through the apartment and into the messy little bathroom down the hall. While Leia ran the water Rey dropped down onto the edge of the tub, shifting on the cracking enamel and breathing in the soft smell of bubble bath and Finn's shaving cream.

"Now why did Finn have to invite us for you? Did you really think you could avoid us?" Leia asked, poking through the box of washcloths by the sink.

“I didn’t want to bother you guys. You’ve already done too much for me, and I just..."

“What kind of talk is that? ‘Too much’ doesn’t exist when it comes to family, Rey. If it isn't overbearing, you’re not doing it right.” Humming, Leia tilted Rey's face up, sponging the tears away with a warm cloth. "You know you're a part of the family, don't you?"

"I..." Rey squeezed her arms over her stomach, trying to contain the funny feeling bubbling up in her chest. A family. She was part of somebody's family. "I am?"

"Of course you are." Leia said comfortably as she wrung out the cloth into the tub. "We ever say anything to make you think any different?"

"No, I just didn't really think you'd care once I aged out, I guess. I usually get shipped around without much fuss." Rey said quietly. None of her foster parents had kept in touch. Not one. Rey wasn't sure whether or not it was her fault, why people had no problem leaving her behind.

"Well, don't you worry. We'll be fussing over you for a long time, I promise." Rey managed a smile and Leia laughed. "That's better. We're staying with Luke, so don't worry about making room for all of us. But you _are_ hosting tomorrow, you know that, right?"

"'Course." Leia straightened out the collar of Rey's sweater and she grinned, pulling her to her feet. "Thank you."

"Don't mention it. Now you just set yourself down and eat while I try and teach the Neanderthal I call a husband how to make pumpkin pie. You'll get dinner and a show." 

In the kitchen Han was teasing Muffin with a meatball while Chewie, Luke, and Art went at it on Mario Kart, See wringing his hands and advising Art that maybe it would be better to just let the big scary Thai man win this round. Rey smiled and slid onto one of the rickety stools clustered around the breakfast counter. Being part of a family sure was nice. Something scratched at her ankles and Rey looked down to see Muffin trying to climb her leg. The poor thing was trying to run away from Han, from the looks of it.

“So where’s your roommate, kid? He hasn't given back one of my history book." Han grumbled, begrudgingly letting Leia wrap him up in a hot pink apron.

“Something came up.” Rey plopped Muffin down on the counter and grinned while he licked the gravy off of his nose, still staring at Han with something like betrayal on his little face. "He might come back..."

“Hope so. I'd hate for him to miss these. Bought them special.” Leia pulled a bakery box out of a bag by the counter and set it down by the sink. She took out a cupcake for Rey's inspection, smiling. "Pretty, aren't they?"  

"Yeah..." After all, the thing was slathered with a generous amount of purple glitter icing. Now where had she seen something like that before? “Where’d you get these?”

“Bakery near the library. Why?”

"I..." Rey blinked, barely believing it. “I can fix this.” she realised. “I can fix this!" In two seconds she was up and out the door, leaving Leia standing there with a plate of dinner hovering an inch over the counter. She creased up her forehead and put it down, giving Muffin a scratch.

“Now what was that about?”

“Hell if I know.” Han started to reach for Rey’s cupcake and Leia swatted his hand away. “What? She’s not gonna miss it…”

“She’s coming back.” Leia told him. She stuck some food in the oven and glanced warily at the mismatched mugs and bowls stagnating in the kitchen sink. “Now make yourself useful and do the dishes. Got a feeling she’s bringing along a couple more bodies for tomorrow.”

 

\--------------

 

It took a few laps around the park, but eventually Rey realised she had run past the damn place about three times. Cussing, she darted across the street and ducked into what she assumed was the bakery, realising she looked a mess and not really giving a shit. The guy behind the counter was staring at a crumpled up napkin on the floor and chewing on his lower lip. A couple days later and he was still antsy, wondering where he stood with Finn, probably. His dog yipped and he looked up, put everything out of his mind and taped on a smile.

"I was just closing up, but seeing as it's Christmas and all, what can I get for you?"

“Well…” Rey hesitated, looking at the half-empty trays and panting. There didn't seem to be any glittery cupcakes on display right now. This might not even be the right place, but it was her best shot. "A gingerbread man? The one in the red overalls?"

"Yours didn't turn out?" 

"They never do.” While he poked around the tray Rey took stock of his messy hair, his creased shirt. He hid it well, but there was something blue peeking out of the brown in his eyes, a lonely note in his laugh. Yep, somebody had left this guy waiting under the mistletoe. Rey was pretty sure she knew the culprit. “Don't tell me you're by yourself Christmas Eve."

"Didn't plan it that way." he laughed. His face got all crinkly when he smiled. It showed off the gap between his front teeth, too. Rey could see why Finn would fall for this guy. Because she was sure it was him. After all, she spotted one of Finn's sketches sitting on his mantlepiece. What other conclusion could she draw?

"Hm. Here. Little something to make up for it." She pulled a little brown package out of her pocket and held it out. Finn had asked her to transfer the baker guy's playlist onto a cassette tape a few days ago, grinning a secretive little grin as he asked. Must be an inside joke she wasn't privy to. “Happy holidays.”

"Happy holidays." Poe grinned and took the package. This must be one of those campaign things, he figured as he unwrapped it. A bunch of bright-eyed university kids spreading joy on Christmas Eve to lonely shopkeeps. 

It was very much not that.

He could feel his forehead getting all pinched up when he realised it was a cassette tape. And to thicken the plot it had all his favourite songs on it, if the listing could be trusted. He couldn't think of anybody who would make something like this for him, let alone somebody who would have that information, except...

Fingers trembling, he looked down at the note attached to the tape, then he looked at the girl, still innocently gnawing on her gingerbread man. 

"Well?" Poe dropped everything and ran, bursting out of the back door and straight into a heap of snow. The cold was like a kick to the gut, but the words scribbled out on that note were reason enough for him to suck it up and just keep running.

_Finn's train leaves at eight. Amtrak Pennsylvanian. Go and stop him, dumbass._


	10. Chapter 10

"C'mon c'mon _c'mon_..." 

Poe stared at the snow piling up on the stoplight, a snarl on his face. Finn could be gone by now, on that train and out of Poe's life for good. That couldn't be allowed to happen. 

When the light finally turned he bolted across the street, nearly knocking over a nice old lady and stumbling on the curb. His knee clicked out of alignment and his foot dragged across the pavement. He cussed, stopped, kicked the side of the building to lock it back into place and kept on running. The bruises and blisters that would bring on were the least of his worries.

Finn had a bright red suitcase, Poe remembered, skidding into Penn Station. He'd seen it often enough, being dragged along behind Finn on his way home from work after his pizza backpack broke. But when Poe looked again the whole station seemed to be full of people lugging nothing but sullen grey briefcases or black duffel bags.

Desperate now, Poe weaved through the crowd, eyes darting and neck craning. The press and rushing and noise made his head throb but he swallowed his panic and tried to focus. When he caught a glimpse of what he told himself was a familiar bag he followed it, up the stairs, down the hall, onto an overcrowded platform that had Poe's vision blurring and breath coming in short pants. He got a few funny looks and ignored them, got elbowed in the ribs and kept running. Through it all he cursed the fear that had led to him having to do this. It had already taken the best years of his life away from him. It wasn’t going to take Finn, too.

Finally, Poe found himself on a platform. Relief loosened his throat, then his face was blasted with cold air as the train pulled out of the station. Poe lurched forwards, frantically imagining that he could wave them down, convince them to stop. When that didn't pan out he stumbled back, mind going as fast as the train. Maybe, maybe Finn hadn't gotten onboard. Maybe he had changed his mind. Then Poe caught a flash of red in one of the windows, his last bit of hope being ripped away at eighty miles an hour.

And just like that, Finn was gone.

As the train melted into the distance Poe just kept staring down the tracks, because maybe there was a chance that the conductor would decide to turn around, fix his mistakes for him. That didn't happen, of course. So Poe stood for what felt like hours on the cracking platform, snowflakes prickling on his bare arms and a hole gaping in his heart. So much for Christmas miracles.

He could have stopped this. He could have fixed this. What if he had just run a little bit faster? What if he hadn’t freaked out, the night before at the apartment? What if he had kissed Finn under the mistletoe, stopped this before it could happen? All those _what ifs_ bounced around in his head, trying to drown out the bleakness of the one that had come true. The one where Finn was gone, and Poe had no way of getting him back.

He let his eyes well up, thinking he was by himself. Turns out that wasn't the case. Carry on wheels whirred on the concrete and stopped a few feet away. Whoever it was probably thought he was crazy, crying his eyes out like that on an empty platform in the middle of the night, but Poe couldn't find it in himself to care.

"You don't quit, do you?" someone sighed.

Poe turned, but the bright red suitcase, ratty hoodie, expression that was clearly asking for an explanation, none of them clicked. Then Finn crossed his arms over his chest and arched an eyebrow.

"Why'd you come, Poe?"

"Why'd..."  _Holy shit Finn's here he's here he's-_ "Why'd you leave?" Finn's lip twitched and Poe thought he saw his eyes harden. Now that was the exact opposite of what Poe wanted. "No, hold on, please? Look, you have every right to be mad because I was an idiot and I fucked up and I'm stupid and if you don't want to be my friend anymore that's fine and I get it but that's no reason to just leave and-"

And Poe was rambling like the crazy old man he was. Yeah, that would convince Finn to stay. He wiped his nose and shot Finn a rueful look. "You've rubbed off on me."

"For Christ's sake Poe, you're gonna freeze your ass off out here..." Finn sighed, taking Poe by the arm and guiding him back into the station. "Hold on, where’s Blue? Why're you limping?"

"Dropped everything and ran here." Poe shifted his feet and winced. "Ow."

He hadn’t put on enough socks and his stump kept slipping and rubbing in the socket. Add that to the empty space at his side where Blue belonged and Poe felt like he could burst into tears at the least provocation. Shaking his head, Finn plonked his suitcase down on a bench and clicked it open, digging up a wrinkled pink sweater and pulling it over Poe’s head. After everything the guy was still looking out for him. Why, Poe wasn't quite sure. 

"Look, Finn, if I freaked you out, I'm sorry. Honest."

"It's not you. It's just..." Finn waved his arm in a pointless gesture. "Fuck. It's too stuffy in here. C'mon." When his things were all in order he grabbed Poe's hand and pulled him up another staircase. This whole reconciliation thing was taking him all over the place.

Poe let out a relieved breath, stepping outside. The storm had quieted down, and snowflakes flurried around them in lazy swirls and eddies. As they walked he stuck out his tongue to catch one and the cold air throbbed in his throat, icing his face to the point of pleasant numbness. That was good. He felt better just having Finn beside him, too.

The crunch of snow and wheels whirring on concrete filled the silence that hung over them, a quiet that seemed to fill all of 34th Street, even with the hustle and bustle of winter crowds. Poe didn't want to be the first to break it. If he did, who knows what would happen. So they went on a few blocks like that, playing jacks with each other's gaze.

"That ticket wasn't cheap, y'know." Finn said finally. Poe turned to him, but his eyes were on a twinkling Christmas display across the street, the cardboard candy canes and animatronic elves that moved a bit too jerkily to be unsettling. “Could’ve bought Rey something nice…”

"I'll pay you back. Just hear me out. Please? About that night…”

“I freaked out.”

“Same here. I'm sorry, I'm just...” Poe closed his eyes and sighed. God, he must sound completely nutty. "I'm a lonely old man who thought you were my lucky break, alright?"

“I thought you were mine. But I can't do it. You can find someone else, Poe. You have to find someone else." Finn's voice was more than tired. It was exhausted, cracked and broken to bits. Poe could put it back together, right? He had to put him back together. Hard to do when he was just a bunch of pieces himself, though.

"You're underestimating how hard that is for me." Poe mumbled. "If you leave, I don't..."

If Finn left, so much would go with him, so much of the light that Poe had forgotten about over the past little while. The past couple years were a grey haze Poe couldn't quite remember. Not unpleasant, but nothing to report. Names and faces blurred together, the city seemed to spread out like a blanket of fog. Then Finn had burst out of nowhere in a stuttering whirlwind of life and silly t-shirts and shining hope. A shard of crystal glittering in a mountain of coal. Poe should've known he couldn't do anything but dull that sparkle.

"I’ve had over a decade to get better and I haven’t. It's a turnoff, when people realise I'm not...You can't love away the stuff that's going on up here." Poe admitted, tapping his temple. "True love's kiss ain't gonna fix me."

"That's not why I left. I don't want to fix you." Finn said quietly. Before Poe could think any more about that Finn turned away and sighed, scowling up at the familiar storefront. "How the fuck do I always wind up back here? I should be in Philadelphia, by now."

"And then all the way to Pittsburgh, right?"

"Yeah. Spend Christmas on the train."

"Sounds lonely.” Poe commented. Finn just shrugged, eyes following the trail of mist Poe's breath left in the air. Yeah, it did sound lonely, but lonely was miles better than being scared out of his mind all of the time. "D'you know anyone there? Friends? Somebody?"

"Nope. Easier that way. I've never had to deal with this, y'know. People trying to get me to stick around. It's all come as a bit of a shock. I kinda like it, though." 

"If you liked it, then why did you leave?"

"The same reason you lock yourself up in there." Finn nodded at Poe's building, the light burning in the bedroom window. "I don’t want people getting to me. How's that saying go again? _Rolling stones don't gather moss_? Something like that." Finn leant back against a streetlamp and sighed. “After school I sorta drifted. A couple years is the longest I’ve lived anywhere and that was only because I was training. Hoped to break that record, here...”

“I hoped you would, too.” Poe admitted. “There any way I could convince you to stick around?”

"Well..."  _Make me fall out of love with you._ Finn thought. _Make me forget the way you make me feel._

Because if he didn’t have to confront that, Finn would have no problem living here, letting people get close to him, learning the ins and outs of the city, setting down roots and giving them a chance to grow. Finn was happier here than he had ever been, too happy, really. Even right now he could feel his walls crumbling, layers of defences that kept out a lifetime of hatred, but couldn’t do anything to protect him against a lonely baker with a cute smile and Finn’s heart in his pocket.

"You do know you're not a freak, right?" Poe's voice was only just above a sigh, this close to being snatched away by the wind. "Who you are, what you feel, it's all real. You're allowed to feel, Finn."

"I know that, but - oh, fuck, how the hell do I explain this...Okay, y'know we know more about the surface of Mars than the bottom of the sea, right?"

"Yeah?" Poe was trying his best to keep a straight face, as Finn couldn't help but notice. He scowled and punched Poe's arm. This was difficult.

"Fuck off. So I know that the ocean's basically a big wet deathtrap that we can't comprehend, but knowing doesn't mean I understand how the fuck that's possible. It fucks me up every time I remember that it's true. Same principle. I need to _understand_ , Poe. I need to understand something before I can be okay with it. I need to understand who I am. And I figure the more places I go, the more likely I am to find that guy."

"Hate to break it to you, buddy, but life's not some big scavenger hunt. You're not gonna find the answer to who you are lying on the ground somewhere. And I spent a long time looking, trust me." Poe closed his eyes and tilted his head back, up towards the snow. Finn watched the snowflakes that framed Poe's face as he spoke, his words slow and careful. "So I figure none of that matters. Someone says you're not who you need to be? They can go to hell, for all I care. No one knows what's right for you except you. Good rule of thumb's that if it makes you happy, you're probably on the right track. You were happy here, weren't you?" 

"Happier than I can ever remember being." That was true, at least. Finn had never regretted leaving, before. Now, though, now he just about felt like crying. "Fuck, was I happy here. I actually have a job, friends, _you_..." Finn rubbed his face and sighed. "You're included in the friends, but it's just that leaving Rey, it killed me, but it's different with you, though. Not less or more, just..." Finn did that wavy thing with his arms again and Poe laughed in spite of himself. "Fuck off. I'm getting at something, here. I can't do this if you keep dicking around."

"Sorry, but you’re making it very hard for me to convince myself that I don’t love you." Poe laughed. Then his mouth screwed up and his cheeks went red. Apparently it was only now dawning on him what he had just said. "Oh. Fuck." 

Fear constricted Finn's throat and he almost took a step back. If Poe loved him, then this was the worst case scenario. This was the last thing he wanted. This was everything he had tried to avoid. Now he had a concrete reason to run away, an excuse he could hide behind and never have to deal with again.

But Poe loved him, and Finn would be lying if he said he didn't feel the same way. 

"Hey." Finn opened up his arms and Poe didn't even hesitate before curling against him, fitting like he was made to fill out all those empty curves and edges. “You love me?” That was, well, that was something to process. Finn looked down at the top of Poe’s head, watching his curls bob as he nodded. “You love me.”

“Oh, man. I can't believe I said that. How many times are you gonna remind me? For fuck’s sake, Finn I-” Before he could lose his nerve Finn pulled Poe upright and kissed him. Slow and shallow, because fuck if Finn knew what he was doing, but Poe had closed his eyes and relaxed so Finn couldn't be fucking up that badly, now could he?

Once the panic eased off Finn slackened against the streetlamp and just let himself enjoy. It was different from kissing a girl. Poe's beard scratched and his palms were calloused, kind of rough on Finn's neck, but gentle all the same. He was also heavy, but that was nice. Grounding, almost. Even when they pulled away that feeling stuck around, a new, steady warmth pulsing in Finn's chest. It wasn't completely new, actually. When Finn let himself feel safe, when fear wasn't behind the wheel, that anchor came back. Rare moments, now that he thought about it.

"Actually, keep reminding me. What were we talking about again?" Poe bumped his forehead against Finn's and smiled a shaky little grin, playfulness and relief flushing his face. 

"Shut up. So, well, feeling's mutual, I guess." Finn ventured, making Poe laugh. Smiling, he cupped Poe's cheeks in his palms, tracing out the bags under his eyes, the grooves and dips that Finn would memorise, if he could. Odds are he'd manage to eventually. Poe covered his hands with his and tried to rub some warmth into his fingers.

"Good catch. But man, you gave me a scare there, buddy. For a second there I thought..." For a moment Poe's smile twitched, then he cleared his throat and looked at Finn, searching his face for something. "Hey, why did you get off that train?"

"I forgot to return your jacket. And I didn’t..." A slow smile spread across Poe’s face and Finn pulled him close, the snow no match for the warmth filling him up from head to toe. "I didn't want to leave without saying goodbye to someone I love.”

"But this isn't goodbye, is it?"  

"'Course not." Finn pressed his lips to Poe’s cheek, shivering a little bit. "No more goodbyes."

"I like the sound of that." Poe sighed. "Love you."

"I love you, too." Finn laughed. God, it felt good to say that out loud. He stuck his hands in Poe's hoodie and smiled, only now realising that from here on out he could say it as much as he liked. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it only took them what, ten fucking chapters?


	11. Chapter 11

_It was as though the sky broke open and a chorus of angels poured forth, their golden voices joining Annabella’s moans as they drifted skyward, the perfection of the moment culminating in the heat pulsing through her secret place._

_"Come for me, Annabella!" Daniel commanded as his member pounded into her, bringing her closer and closer and..._

“Sex can’t possibly be that great.” Finn muttered to himself. Not that he would know, but that description seemed a bit much. 

Yawning, he tossed the book across the bedroom and stretched, ignoring when it smacked the far wall instead of landing neatly on Poe’s desk. It wasn’t loud enough to wake him, thankfully. Finn glanced over at Poe and ran his fingers through his damp curls that still smelled like the gingerbread shampoo Finn had worked through his hair during their shower a couple hours earlier. The poor guy had finally stopped muttering in his sleep after an hour of tossing and turning. It had felt like they were being tossed around on a raft, the bed had been rocking so much. Finn had to restrain the impulse to hold Poe in place, sometimes.

The two of them had hunkered down in Poe's bedroom after a date had gone rather pear-shaped. New Years Eve wasn't exactly Poe's favourite thing in the world, what with the yelling and the drinking and the general rowdiness, but he had put on a brave face and ventured out with Finn to a party. They had gotten separated, some jerk had picked a fight, and half an hour later Finn found Poe curled up in an alleyway with Blue in his arms and someone else's blood on his knuckles. The other guy was lying in the slush with a broken jaw, but Poe was pretty shaken all the same.

After all that they had wound up here again. Seems as though they should have just stuck here from the start. But then again, gradually drawing Poe out of his little cocoon was a pretty big part of this relationship. If things kept going wrong out there though, that may prove to be something of a challenge. Not to say that Finn wasn't up for it. 

Poe sighed in his sleep and Finn snuggled closer. As creepy as it sounded, watching Poe sleep filled him with a type of quiet, a calm nothing else could. That being said, he was kind of itching for some conversation right now. After two minutes of kisses Poe opened his eyes and smiled, cupping the back of Finn’s neck and pulling him even closer. They stayed like that for awhile, kissing quietly as the clock ticked and snow piled up on the windowsill.

“You taste like cherries.” Poe mumbled when Finn pulled away to breath. Finn stuck the candy cane he had been sucking back into his mouth and grinned. “Oh, that explains it.”

“I say I’m just naturally sweet.”

“There's that, too.” Poe agreed. His hands drifted down Finn's neck, but they paused when he got to his scratchy wool collar. “Why the hell are you still wearing that?”

“It’s cozy.” For Christmas, Rey had knit Finn this hideous blue sweater with the red Rebellion insignia stitched onto the sleeves. Poe had been less than thrilled when Finn started to wear that thing on the regular. “You still need to watch Star Wars, by the way.” 

“I’m not big on sci-fi, but I hear there’s talk of making another one.”

“Oh God, they’re gonna fuck it up so bad.” Finn groaned. Poe's laugh was a little bit absent, Finn noticed. He rubbed Poe's shoulders, the dip between the wingtip of his shoulder blade that was always tensed and twitchy. “What’s on your mind? If it's about earlier...”

“No. Not my first rodeo." Finn traced the purplish bruise marking up Poe's cheek but he didn't even wince. "I was just wondering, if maybe you…” Suddenly inarticulate, Poe shrugged and Finn pecked at the scars dusting his cheeks, waiting for his smile to come back.

"If I?" 

“Do you want to have sex with me?” Poe ventured. Once the words were out he buried his face in Finn’s chest, fiddling with the ties of his sweatpants. “I couldn’t think of a sexy way to ask.”

“You could’ve just pulled something from a romance novel.”

“And risk you breaking up with me? No way in hell.” Finn laughed and Poe's grin flickered back to life on his face. “So is that a yes, or…”

"Yes. Absolutely yes." Finn kissed every inch of Poe's face, smiling a little bit too hard to do it gracefully. Poe didn't seem to mind, though.

"Yes? Wow. That was easy." The buildup to this point had been far from easy, though. Smiling, Poe sat up and nudged Blue, who was stretched out luxuriantly at the foot of the bed. “Sorry, girl. Alone time.” She opened her eye and cocked her head, obviously not used to hearing that command. Then she huffed and waddled off, sparing one more wary glance at Finn before pulling the door shut behind her with the tie hanging from the doorknob. Smart pooch. 

“So now what?” Finn tried not to sound businesslike, but he honestly had no idea how to approach this. For all he knew he had to do a mating dance or something, offer Poe a shiny rock, maybe. Yeah, that would get him going.

“Clothes are kinda superfluous." 

"You don't say." Finn laughed. He let Poe kiss his neck and shoulders while he worked the offending sweater off, grinning when Poe nosed happily along his bare chest in the cheerful way he had, happy as anything. It was too cold for Finn to go around shirtless, which he totally would if the climate would just cooperate with him. Smiling, he fingered at the hem of Poe's shirt, hoping to return the favour. "Can I..."

"If you want to." 

"But do you want me to?" Call him nagging, but Finn had to be sure. Doing this meant they both had to be sure.

"Yeah." Poe admitted. "Yeah, I do."

A few hours ago Poe had appropriated the Spiderman t-shirt that Finn had been wearing underneath his sweater. It was loose around the shoulders and tight around the middle, but Finn thought he pulled it off. That being said he stripped Poe in the blink of an eye, kissing and sucking every bit of skin he could get to, chest, nipples, stomach. While he was occupied with that he felt Poe tense and realised his fingers were digging into Poe's soft sides, the little rolls that Finn only now realised that Poe might not like very much.

"I want you to fuck me." he blurted out. Maybe it was an attempt to distract Poe, but it was something more than that, too.

"That..." Poe cleared his throat and looked away, any insecurities apparently forgotten. "That was blunt."

"It's the truth." And for once, the truth didn't scare Finn in the slightest. For once, the fear wasn't winning. Love and hunger were the only feelings he felt, had ever felt, so it seemed. "You want that too, right?" he hummed, pulling Poe into another kiss.

“Mmph.” Poe gasped against Finn's warm lips. "You are _very_ different in bed." he decided. "Wait, I don't have lube. Or a condom. Or an STI but I mean, if you wanted a condom for whatever reason..."

"I don't care. But you wanna run out and buy some stuff?" 

"Yeah. Maybe not a condom, but yeah, I'll just..." Poe pulled his shirt back on and Finn handed him his prosthetic, fondly tracing the vines and leaves on the metal. Poe had bought him these fancy metal markers for Christmas, and Finn had had a field day the night before. Now Poe had a cluster of red roses growing on his leg, weaved together with dark green stems. When they faded Finn would just draw over them again, something new and different each time. It was almost like having actual flowers to take care of. 

Once his leg was fitted Poe hovered at the edge of the bed, chewing on his lower lip as though trying to decide something. "Don't move." he said finally, poking an accusatory finger at Finn.

"You got it." More than ready to oblige Finn flopped down into the blankets, laughing when Poe hopped out the door, struggling to put his pants on properly. Once he heard the back door slam shut Finn rolled out of bed and hopped into the bathtub, struggling with the wonky showerhead that invariably doused you in either ice water or boiled you like a lobster. No harm in getting some prep out of the way. 

They had danced around the whole sex thing before, of course. As a matter of fact Finn's New Year's resolution had been that whole virginity thing was overrated. But they had the same problem as usual, of who would be the first to take the incentive. Poe had taken the leap, so the least Finn could do was help things go smoothly. And if that meant fingering himself open in the shower, that was a sacrifice he was willing to make. What a hardship.

When he was as clean as he would ever be Finn crept back into the bedroom to find Poe undressing all over again. A smile spread across his face and he came up behind Poe with every intention of helping out. Instead, Poe just yanked him down onto the bed and climbed on top of him, making sure he couldn't move again. 

"I thought you had run off." Poe complained, trying to pull off his leg and pants in one movement and not managing very well. Finn sat up and kissed him on the cheek, dropping his legs open for ease of access. If the way Poe looked at him when he did that meant anything, all was forgiven. "You ready?"

"Born ready." After thinking about it for a moment Finn screwed up his face and sighed. "That sounded wrong. Ignore that."

"Great way to remind me that I'm robbing the cradle..." 

"Sorry, Daddy."

"Fuck you."

"That was your plan, wasn't it?" Finn teased with a wink, making Poe smile. This part they both knew. The quips and jokes were everyday, worn with the comfortable blanket of routine. What came next was uncharted territory, though. 

After what may have been a little too much prep Finn wound up on his back with Poe hovering over him. Simple, straightforward. To call it vanilla would be downright generous. Still didn't mean it was any less daunting, though. When Poe pushed inside they both had to take a moment, Finn for the pain, Poe for the pleasure. Finn recovered first, smoothing a hand over Poe's cheek when he saw his expression.

“You okay?” he breathed.

“Fine. Fine. I am trying very hard not to come right now.” Poe said shakily. "How're you?"

"Couldn't be better." Finn declared, giving Poe's arm a reassuring squeeze. He seemed to be zoning out, the poor guy. Finn was in somewhat better shape. Poe seemed to realise that, but it didn't do much to help him.

"Sorry, I'm out of practice." His voice dropped a bit, cheeks flushed from embarrassment and exertion. "Fuck. This is nothing like riding a bike. I have definitely forgotten how to do this. Shit.”

"You okay?" Poe slipped out for a moment and Finn replaced his cock with a couple fingers, keeping himself open while Poe got a grip. "We can do something else, if you want. Your call."

"No, that's okay. Okay. Okay. I got this." They lay back down together and Finn took Poe's hands, hopefully grounding him a little bit. It seemed to work. Poe shook his head and snorted, something like his usual grin dancing across his lips. "How do people keep this up? Jesus, babe. It's like you're trying to embarrass me."

“Your romance novels didn’t prepare you for this, huh?“ Finn laughed breathlessly, toes curling as Poe ventured an experimental little thrust. “I’m sorry for not calling your name or anything as you ravish me.”

“It’s like they have to remind themselves who they’re fucking…”

“Maybe they really can’t remember each other's names. On average the leads hop in the sac after about a week, I say.”

“You can’t talk. How long have we known each other?" Poe punctuated his words with another tentative thrust. Finn's hips jerked a couple inches off the bed, which they both took as a good sign.

"I think you’re getting the hang of this." 

"Seconded. You’re taking this really well..."

“Well, practice makes perfect.” Now Finn just might own a dildo, which he just might use every now and again. Same principle, the stretch and throbbing fullness, but this was an entirely different experience. Poe’s weight on top of him, the combined gasp of their breathing, nothing could match the carnal intimacy of this. He was really warm, too, heating Finn from the inside out. That actually raised an interesting question.

"Would a dildo catch fire if you put it in the microwave?"

Poe stopped moving, staring down at Finn like he had just fallen from the sky. Or just asked that question. They were equally strange, honestly.

"We're having _sex_."

"Yeah? Glad you noticed."

"We're having sex, and you're asking me to picture a phallic object going up in flames."

"But I don't know if it would go up in flames. It might just melt."

"Finn."

"Or maybe it'd explode. We should find a video. You know someone's tried it..."

"Finn, I will shave my head and go join a fucking monastery if you don't shut up right this very second." Poe threatened. "Do you think before you speak?"

"Not generally. Sorry." Finn flopped back on the pillows and hooked his legs around Poe’s waist, tugging him close. "Go back to ravishing me."

"I don't think I can. Not with that image in my head."

"Aw, c'mon, you're not that old."

"That's not the issue!" Poe looked down at himself, his paunch pressed up against Finn's firm stomach, the way Finn's leg was propping him up so he wouldn't lose his balance and fall out of bed. As Finn watched Poe's face wrinkled up and tears gathered in the creases around his eyes. Wordlessly, Finn wrapped his arms around Poe's waist and held him closer. Whatever was going on here, Finn would figure out how to make it right. He had to.

“Oh, for fuck’s sake-” Poe wiped his nose, looking absolutely miserable as he eased himself out again. “I can’t believe I’m crying during sex. This’s bullshit. Is this even doing anything for you? Am I..." All of a sudden Poe laughed, sounding just a little bit unhinged. "Man, I'm really fucking up your first time, aren't I?" 

"No, you're not." Finn nuzzled at his neck like a kitten and Poe took a deep breath. "You're not, I swear. What's the matter?" 

"Nothing." Poe mumbled. Finn cocked his eyebrow, which was all it took for Poe to groan and give in. This guy couldn't lie to save his life. "It's just...I've had it where people like me at first glance. And maybe I have a pretty okay face or whatever. The rest of me, though." Poe glanced down at his gut, the bumpy scars on his stump. "I hate disappointing people. You know that."

"And you know that you could never disappoint me." Finn promised. It was strange, having this conversation, knowing that nothing could change how they felt but still needing to silence the nagging voices telling them that they weren't good enough, that this couldn't work. Their emotional walls had crumbled almost involuntarily. The physical barrier was a bit more daunting, though. 

"Hm." A sigh hummed through Poe as he traced the scars on Finn's knuckles with his lips, looking up for a reaction. Finn's smile seemed to relight the spark in his eyes, one of the first things that Finn had fallen in love with, now that he thought about it. "Y'know, I think I want to try again." Poe took a deep breath and smiled at Finn. "We got this."

"Yeah." Finn gave Poe one more kiss and lay back down, warming Poe's hands in his while he shook off the sheets that had been tangling them. "I've got you." he promised. 

It took them a few minutes of figuring out what worked and what didn't. Now Finn was too cold, now Poe was off-balance, now they couldn't look each other in the eye and Finn knew why that wouldn't work. For awhile they just rocked a little awkwardly, sneaking kisses when they could muster up the concentration. It was pleasant, at best, then Finn felt something like a burst of heat inside him and cried out without meaning to. 

"Finn, sweetheart-"

"Fine. I'm fine. Please keep doing that, fuck..." Finn tilted his head back, suddenly understanding just why this was such a popular pastime. The bedsprings squeaked as Poe started to move with a new sense of purpose, his fingers digging into Finn's hips, working to keep a rhythm on Finn's prostate, a pulse that built up inside Finn like a flame. "So fucking good." Finn breathed, reaching down to rub his cock. His hand moved faster as Poe sped up, getting slick as pre-come leaked over his fingers. "Yeah, _fuck-_ "

"I've got you." Poe whispered into Finn's ear. His fingers joined Finn's, slipping over the warm, pulsing skin, fumbling and clumsy and everything Finn needed right now. "I've got you."

When he couldn't keep up anymore Finn threw an arm over his face and breathed out a quiet little moan. In a burst of his usual confidence Poe leant down to kiss him and Finn let himself be overwhelmed, giving in to the need and the want and every other emotion he had ever denied. Before he knew what was happening he was coming, the warm pressure that had been building quietly in his gut popping like a balloon. He squeezed his eyes tight as everything tensed and come burst over Poe's hand. Poe looked down and Finn heard him gasp, felt his rhythm stutter and halt. Seems like he was enjoying the view.

“Finn…” Poe swallowed and buried his face in Finn's neck, blushing scarlet. “Oh, fuck.”

"What?" Warmth rolled through Finn’s belly and he couldn’t help but laugh, feeling Poe throb and jerk and hearing a sharp groan, feeling the puff of it against his shoulder. He cupped Poe's cheeks and pressed their foreheads together as sweat cooled on their skin. Looking at Poe meant going cross-eyed, but that was alright. His eyes had gone all hazy and Finn started to whisper encouragements against his lips. It was probably all nonsense. It was definitely nonsense. But it seemed to get the message across well enough.

After awhile Poe took a deep breath and Finn kissed him on the nose as he slipped out, breathing a little unevenly as they both came down from it, Poe still lingering in place like he wasn't sure where to go from here.

"Okay. Figured it out. Teamwork. Fun times." he coughed into Finn's neck after a good three minutes of the two of them just gasping. Not quite knowing what else to do, Finn gave Poe a friendly pat on the back and pulled him down to use as a blanket. "The hell you doing?"

"Warming myself up. Fucking freezing in here..." Meanwhile, Poe was nice and soft and warm. Finn gave Poe's love handles a squeeze and ran his hands up his sides, loving the way his body worked. Muscle, muscle, muscle, _soft_. He was built for cuddling. It was great. Unfortunately, Poe didn't seem to agree.

"Alright, alright. I live off of stale pastries and root beer. You don't have to remind me." Finn sunk a hand into Poe’s belly and gave it a quick little jiggle. “ _Stop.._.” he whined, drawing out the word until it sounded like there were about ten o’s.

“You do know that I like you, right?” Finn sighed. The blankets were sticking to Poe’s back and Finn smoothed his hands down his spine, felt the air begin to flow again. “I’m sure I like you.”

"You’re named after one of literature’s most well-known romance writers and that's what you come up with? You like me? Wow, you give the other Austen a run for her money." Poe teased, voice already rough with sleep. 

"What? It's the truth. And I'm never sure of anything." Finn pointed out. "I like your body. I like your smile. I like you. And I like everything that comes with you. Everything."

"I'm sure I like you, too." Poe said quietly.

For a moment the two of them just lay together, quiet and pensive. Then something ridiculous happened. They both started to laugh, gasping for air and nuzzling each other with huge smiles on their faces. While Poe rained kisses on Finn's cheeks like raindrops he closed his eyes and smiled. This was alright. This could work. This _would_ work, if Finn had any say in it. He happened to glance at the clock and he smiled even wider, which he hadn't actually thought was possible. Poe noticed where he was looking and grinned.

“Oh, would you look at that. Happy New Year, sweetheart.”

"Happy New Year. Hey, you’re supposed to kiss somebody, start the year off right.” Finn pointed out. "Y'know, tradition and all..."

“And who am I to break tradition?” Poe laughed and kissed Finn with a little more confidence than before. On his part Finn arched up eagerly, meeting Poe with smiling lips. This would be a good year. He could feel it.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to everybody who sent me a trope on tumblr! Over there i'm topographical-map-of-utah if you wanna visit or something. And a big thank you to beautifullights, who came up with the idea in the first place!


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